tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28684793798076928622024-03-12T21:09:48.409-05:00Whitfield Awesome BlogMaking Art. Writing Words. Living Life. Humorously.Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.comBlogger202125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-31992436428809638812016-01-08T09:33:00.000-06:002016-01-09T09:34:10.791-06:00Tripping the Friday Fantastic: Fresh Start<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m97nCPPzbBo/VpEny3voH8I/AAAAAAAAH80/xY6ge8DzYqg/s1600/universe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m97nCPPzbBo/VpEny3voH8I/AAAAAAAAH80/xY6ge8DzYqg/s400/universe.jpg" width="397" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />I generally don't give a new year much thought. I've never changed jobs or relationships or houses or anything big at the start of a year. Same ish different date. And, as I </span><a href="http://whitfieldawesome.blogspot.com/2016/01/2016-to-do-list.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">previously discussed</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, I don't really make resolutions. This time around, I'm treating 2016 as a fresh start. I am actively working to make changes in my life and plan to re-evaluate at the end of the year to see if the hullabaloo is worth it. The following fantastic sources might just help:</span><br />
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<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've been considering a capsule wardrobe for a looonnnggg time. My closet is out of hand (and in the floor and on my bed and on top of the dryer). I hate most of my clothes and getting dressed is a chore. Something has to give. Check out </span><a href="http://www.un-fancy.com/capsule-wardrobe-101/how-to-build-a-capsule-wardrobe/" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">Un-Fancy</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> for tips if you are interested in the concept.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/maya-kachroo-levine/2015/12/26-tiny-things-you-need-to-start-doing-for-yourself-right-now/" target="_blank">26 Tiny Things You Need to Start Doing For Yourself This Year</a>. I recently started number 3, thanks to my mom. I've always been pretty good at 8, 10, 12 and 26. I refuse to do number 16 because I can't stand the smell. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's get real for a moment. <a href="http://qz.com/584874/you-probably-know-to-ask-yourself-what-do-i-want-heres-a-way-better-question/" target="_blank">How do you choose to suffer?</a> Happiness requires it. You have to want the benefits and the costs.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love the Lively Show Podcast. I need positivity in my ears and Jess Lively has it in spades. The episode on <a href="http://jesslively.com/talbenshahar/" target="_blank">diversifying self-worth with Tal Ben-Shahar</a> is great.</span></li>
<li><a href="http://www.meredithplays.com/2016/01/52-ways-to-awaken-your-playful-spirit.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">52 Ways to Awaken Your Spirit in 2016</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. Number two!</span></li>
</ol>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-10771283636560583832016-01-06T22:13:00.000-06:002016-01-06T22:13:53.120-06:002016 To Do List<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_l36siEHQk4/Vo3ibqP_UmI/AAAAAAAAH8Q/juKTr1pffdg/s1600/starwars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_l36siEHQk4/Vo3ibqP_UmI/AAAAAAAAH8Q/juKTr1pffdg/s640/starwars.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Resolutions. Just typing the word makes me itchy. I'm far more comfortable with a To Do list. In 2016, I want to: </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">read (at least) one career related book per month (in addition to usual entertainment reading)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">get back into regualr yoga routine</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">eat more "real" food (i.e. stop eating out of boxes so much)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">make a more structured quiet time/Bible study (choose a specific place, dedicate a notebook, set an amount of time)</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">revive my blog</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">revive my etsy store</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">spend at least a little time learning Spanish EVERY DAY</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">illustrate every day items EVERY DAY</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">get rid of lots of stuff - think curated instead of cluttered</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">send mail</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">paint master bedroom and office/craft room</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">host a dinner party</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">go on a weekend roadtrip</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">write, illustrate and self-publish a children's book</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">plant a vegetable garden</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">clean out the fridge and pantry every month</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">be thankful EVERY DAY</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">get my email inbox cleaned out</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">sew a legit quilt</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">stop apologizing for my opinions / be more outspoken</span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That wasn't so hard. No itching. No pressure. No formality. Just a list. A list of things that I have an entire year to work on. A list of things that I actually want to do instead of a handful of resolutions that look just like everyone else's and include only big, daunting ideas (looking at you, weight loss).<br /><br />What's on your list?</span></div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-71161785709542794682016-01-05T22:05:00.001-06:002016-01-05T22:05:36.111-06:00What Had Happened Was / 2016<pre class="a-c-x-Ha a-c-Ma-td-Ib" style="-webkit-user-select: text; background-color: white; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So you know how sometimes you start a blog and write in it a lot and then suddenly just stop doing that for two and a half years? Yeah, me too.
A lot happened during that time. I started a new position at work, became a beekeeper, learned to crochet and barely knit, helped build a house in a foreign country, got a pixie cut and grew out a pixie cut, added four new tattoos to my skin, let a piercing grow over and finally had one of those pears wrapped in gold foil from Harry and David. My name is the same and I still have a body that is 60% Mexican food instead of water. So there's that.
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xCsm8wga4QE/VoyQWCGZAlI/AAAAAAAAH8A/dKjUF3O-sGA/s1600/12235005_915409825233177_3014222149321827664_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xCsm8wga4QE/VoyQWCGZAlI/AAAAAAAAH8A/dKjUF3O-sGA/s320/12235005_915409825233177_3014222149321827664_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'll always come back to you, blog. <br />Partly because I hate talking.</span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<pre class="a-c-x-Ha a-c-Ma-td-Ib" style="-webkit-user-select: text; background-color: white; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I miss this blog. I miss writing. Since I claimed this space of the internet, I have revamped it many times - into a place for DIYs, a place for recipes, a place for humorous stories. I just couldn't settle on one thing. Blame it on my ADD, baby (the other 40% of me is made up of song lyrics that people stopped using conversationally a long time ago). Instead of settling on one thing, I'm going to settle on all of the things in 2016. Just what big time bloggers tell little time bloggers not to do. Does that put this space of the internet into "lifestyle blog" territory? Meh. Maybe. I kind of don't like the way that sounds. This will just be a blog about stuff and things. That's a category, right? Squirrel (see note above about ADD). </span></span></pre>
<pre class="a-c-x-Ha a-c-Ma-td-Ib" style="-webkit-user-select: text; background-color: white; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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<pre class="a-c-x-Ha a-c-Ma-td-Ib" style="-webkit-user-select: text; background-color: white; word-wrap: break-word;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ready or not, here I come.</span></span></pre>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-42661989808331422422013-08-27T21:00:00.000-05:002013-08-28T00:19:20.241-05:00Touché Tuesday Advice Column<i style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><b>It's been a minute since the last Touché Tuesday Advice Column! Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out <a href="http://whitfieldawesome.blogspot.com/p/touche-tuesday-advice-form.html" style="color: #84e516; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank">this form</a>. </b></i><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gJeLyzjmJ38/Uh1-S3ihf4I/AAAAAAAADd0/qm-3_iMwips/s1600/turnip72.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gJeLyzjmJ38/Uh1-S3ihf4I/AAAAAAAADd0/qm-3_iMwips/s400/turnip72.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<b style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Dear Jen,</b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>I just moved far away from home for college. I'm also a little shy. Do you have any suggestions for meeting new friends?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Sincerely, Party of One</b></span></span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Party of One,</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Not so very long ago I was a new-to-college girl with tons of friends </span><strike style="line-height: 18px;">(if you count inanimate objects)</strike><span style="line-height: 18px;">. You came to the right advice column!</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I made all of my friends by going directly to class, doing homework at lunchtime and not joining clubs. If you would like to take a more direct indirect (that's not a typo) approach, try AIRing. Walk up to a small group of people and throw out a subject followed by "am I right?" They'll go one way or the other before you make a commitment. For example:</span></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Spot a few nerds? Say "Ben Affleck as Batman, am I right?"</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Catch up to a few jocks during your run? Say "sports words, am I right?"</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">See a pack of hott girls chewing gum and not saying much? Say "Miley Cyrus, am I right?"</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Spy a gaggle of music lovers? Say "vinyl, am I right?"</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Eyeball an environmentalist? Say "reusable bags, am I right?"</span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Professors the only people that will talk to you now? Say "vodka in a water bottle, am I right?"</span></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">AIRing isn't about compromising your beliefs. If the new people you happen upon turn out terrible, peace out. You have a 50/50 chance of the next group turning out great. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Or just buy a few pizzas and open your door. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">♥ Jen</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><i>Thirsty? Head over to my food blog, Turning Mediterranean for a <a href="http://turningmediterranean.blogspot.com/2013/08/fresh-raspberry-soda.html" target="_blank">fresh raspberry soda</a>. </i></span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-86424943939262701062013-08-23T00:10:00.000-05:002013-08-23T00:10:59.121-05:00Safety first, y'all.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0vle10V38Zc/UhbuPb9V7uI/AAAAAAAADMc/ymn_KK3Wy_4/s1600/coach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0vle10V38Zc/UhbuPb9V7uI/AAAAAAAADMc/ymn_KK3Wy_4/s400/coach.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's recap. I'm the chick who falls down stairs, gets second degree burns from a curling iron, breaks her tailbone during the first week of roller derby practice, checks boiling pasta with her fingers and almost burnt down that one apartment. My middle name used to be "Safety" but a judge made me change it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because I <strike>have only been at my current job for one year and they don't know any better</strike> am a pillar of excellence, my boss appointed me safety coach for our department. Safety. Coach. After a few training sessions, I will be responsible for things like locating fire extinguishers, ridding the community fridge of toxic mold, making sure our environment is hazard-less and reminding smokers that we are smoke-free (because that won't get me punched in the throat).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AND drills. <b>Surprise</b> fire drills. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am nothing if not thorough. I have decided to implement my own additional surprise drills: </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tornado Drill: Run screaming into a coworker's office tossing two-by-fours wildly about. Make sure you mess up some stuff. Leave.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hurricane drill: Choose a coworker target, stand far away and stare at them. Move slowly in their direction. Suddenly turn and run into another coworker and blow all over them. Leave slowly. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Crazy MoFo Drill: Hide in a coworkers office. Wait until they are </span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">in the zone</i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, slowly rise up behind them holding dandelions. Include pee if you want.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hipster Drill: Speak incessantly of fake bands. Hit any coworkers who pretend to know the bands with your smelly, floppy hat. Don't leave. Just stay and stay and stay in your stupid pants.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anthony Weiner Drill: Oh who am I kidding? We perform this drill so often already that it's a wonder we get any work done. Hiyo.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No one cares for you as much as you care for you. Except your safety coach. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If your office does not have a safety coach, appoint yourself. Because safety first, y'all. Feel free to use my ideas.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't be surprised if my next post is about being appointed Vice President.</span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-25227310284083885972013-08-20T23:42:00.000-05:002013-08-20T23:42:07.672-05:00Rhymes So Fresh...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: start;">I'm still 107 rap fortune cookie prints away from a trip to Japan. That sentence definitely makes sense. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: start;">If you just asked yourself, whhhaattt?, click <a href="http://whitfieldawesome.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-107-fortune-cookies-project.html" target="_blank">here</a>. Then get yourself some super grown-up </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/WhitfieldAwesome" style="color: #84e516; line-height: 18px;" target="_blank">rap cookie</a><a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/WhitfieldAwesome" style="color: #84e516; line-height: 18px;" target="_blank"> art</a><a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/WhitfieldAwesome" style="color: #84e516; line-height: 18px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"> </a></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">for your office. Your boss will be impressed and you will have much financial gain. Also your lucky numbers are 1, 7, 32, and 578390. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-align: start;" /></span><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W5R1xVsSDO0/UhRDOd0iZzI/AAAAAAAADLo/em0Qo0WI1rM/s1600/fortune_cookie_macklemore_watermark.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W5R1xVsSDO0/UhRDOd0iZzI/AAAAAAAADLo/em0Qo0WI1rM/s400/fortune_cookie_macklemore_watermark.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-py5MDEqzyrs/UhRDRsv_9vI/AAAAAAAADL0/NcuCtfe1S5k/s1600/fortune_cookie_minaj_watermark.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-py5MDEqzyrs/UhRDRsv_9vI/AAAAAAAADL0/NcuCtfe1S5k/s400/fortune_cookie_minaj_watermark.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UAN_rA66vFE/UhRDRY_jaII/AAAAAAAADLw/eL7rzv0h5Zo/s1600/fortune_cookie_webbie_watermark.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UAN_rA66vFE/UhRDRY_jaII/AAAAAAAADLw/eL7rzv0h5Zo/s400/fortune_cookie_webbie_watermark.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Rap lyric fortune cookie prints available in my </span><a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/WhitfieldAwesome" style="color: #84e516; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Etsy shop</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Hungry? Head over to my food blog, <a href="http://turningmediterranean.com/" target="_blank">Turning Mediterranean</a>, for snack week! </span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-61412295533657561382013-08-17T23:55:00.000-05:002013-08-18T00:08:44.528-05:00Slow your roll.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Appropriate </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I used to think of time as a lumbering concept. Almost drowsy. I remember aching to be done with high school and being afraid I would never watch my graduation cap drift back to earth with the 326 caps of my classmates. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I enjoyed the next chapter of my life far more but it continued to move with the slowness of cold honey. I was mostly okay with this tenor but the familiar <i>whens</i> and <i>how longs</i> and <i>will I evers</i> crept in.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">When I give thought to years now, I realize they have become more akin to class five rapids. </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I think, ever so eloquently, "s^%t".<b>*</b> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Six months or eight months or eleven years <i>-eleven years-</i> and I'm no closer to seeing my name on a book cover. Or being a mom. Or wearing a size 10. Or becoming the type of person who never leaves dishes in the sink. Hey time, plod for me, baby.<br /><br />At the beginning of 2013, I resolved to live with intention. To be aware of the minutes of my life. To experience and remember. I'm <b>not</b> doing that. I didn't write about my intentions to be intentional because I knew that I wouldn't follow through, albeit unintentionally. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I don't think I know how to <i>be</i> intentional. I do know how to very crudely and inaccurately illustrate the inside of a chicken. So I still win adulthood. Clearly.<br /><br />Tell me, how do you slow your roll?<br /> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b>*</b>Great Grandmother said a lady never uses the s-word unless she is referring to literal s-word. I'm nothing if not a lady.</i></span></span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-80287712671669245502013-08-16T21:52:00.000-05:002013-08-16T22:31:41.603-05:00Florida Places to See: St. Augustine<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Way back in June, I took a road trip to St. Augustine with my sister and a former co-worker of hers. If you are like us and fancy forts over night clubs, it's worth a visit. In December. Florida is hot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We fed muffins to hotel cats, met a nutty lady with exposed lower butt cleavage, missed the turns for several Cracker Barrels, got inappropriate with some coquina and made friends with a cemetery ghost. I had so much fun that I forgot about the bone I had to pick with the place. "America's oldest city" is St. Augustine's claim to fame, but Pensacola, my stomping grounds, was actually America's first European settlement. Had it not been destroyed by a hurricane, P'Cola would hold the title. I guess "America's oldest continuously inhabited city" doesn't look as nice on t-shirts. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I took a lot of photos of things that are not us, which I will show you in place of repeating all the reasons you should visit St. Augustine that you could read on a travel website. <br /></span><br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-30620440523455523352013-08-15T22:39:00.000-05:002013-08-15T22:40:13.641-05:00Feeling 32<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've been 32 for exactly one month and I'm pretty boss at it. Boss means fumbly with the unfortunate fashion sense of Hannah Horvath, right? Here are a few things I've learned, so far, about this year of life:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The skin creams you just started using will pay off - people will compliment your nice complexion! And then note that your twenty-six-year-old sister's complexion is better.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People discuss poop. With concern. Don't giggle.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">College students will begin to think that you are a "mam".</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Middle-aged ladies working in department stores will treat you as if you have enough money to purchase the pricey watches you ask to try on instead of rolling their eyes. This is kind of cool and kind of a bummer.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other 30-somethings around you who seem to have everything together are faking it at least part of the time.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everything in this video is true:</span></li>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/YSnDJ7exSO0" width="560"></iframe></div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-19526908265984128282013-07-14T22:30:00.000-05:002013-07-15T00:39:12.079-05:00The 107 Fortune Cookies Project<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you know how much it costs to fly from Florida to Japan? About 107 <i>Whitfield Awesome </i>rap fortune cookie prints, that's how much.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have to get to Japan soon to visit with THE Kacey from <a href="http://www.kaceyskitchen.com/" target="_blank">Kacey's Kitchen</a> and <a href="http://whereskacey.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Where in the World is Kacey</a> (currently in Japan). It's a must. For me <i>and</i> Japan. They ain't never seen two white girls go through so much food - it'll be fun all around. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have decided to take the most sensible route for saving travel dolla dolla bills, y'all</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. Rap lyric fortune cookie prints in my <a href="https://www.etsy.com/shop/WhitfieldAwesome" target="_blank">Etsy shop</a>. It's the "That's a Rap" series. See what I did there? At $14/pop, it'll take roughly 107 prints to get me to Japan. I'll be debuting the prints here as I go. Let's start with the basics: The Cool Kids, M.I.A. and Tone Loc.</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TUXShZIhImI/UeOJidqqjFI/AAAAAAAADFE/YW4BVIyi5MY/s1600/fortune_cookie_jingling.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TUXShZIhImI/UeOJidqqjFI/AAAAAAAADFE/YW4BVIyi5MY/s400/fortune_cookie_jingling.png" width="320" /></a><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Baby; ya jingling.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>Looking in the rear view swagger going swell.</i></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rNPKyMXwZH4/UeOJixRyniI/AAAAAAAADFM/BJ7_jFgn254/s1600/fortune_cookie_medina.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rNPKyMXwZH4/UeOJixRyniI/AAAAAAAADFM/BJ7_jFgn254/s400/fortune_cookie_medina.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i> Put a little Medina in your glass & the girls'll come real quick.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you have any tips for travel savings? (Like how to not buy things in Target.)</span><br />
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<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All this talk about fortune cookies make you hungry? Head over to my other blog, Turning Mediterranean, for a <a href="http://turningmediterranean.blogspot.com/2013/07/recipe-watermelon-gazpacho.html" target="_blank">Watermelon Gazpacho recipe</a>!</b>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-31774523932024037492013-07-10T13:50:00.001-05:002013-07-10T14:11:42.358-05:00The One with the Friendly Reminder<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/WhitfieldAwesome" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://www.etsy.com/shop/WhitfieldAwesome</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; white-space: pre-wrap;">, y'all
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(because my goal for this year is to make more from Etsy than I pay in fees - a.k.a. the big time)</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; white-space: pre-wrap;"> <br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Cold turkey. That's what I went all over this blog (and my other blog). I didn't do that thing that bloggers do: write a post about how life is just </span><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>so</b></i> much that they need a break. I just didn't feel like writing. Didn't feel like illustrating. Didn't feel like sharing. So I didn't. </span></span><br />
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Monday, as I waved my blow dryer about my head with one hand and readied a print of Mr. President Bill Clinton for shipment to Seattle with the other, I remembered: Oh yeah, I like being creative in ways that don't involve a scope of work or a security deposit or clients who fancy themselves designers. I like doing things I like to do and I haven't done them in months. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i>So thanks, A., in Seattle, for the reminder.</i> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> The reminder that:</span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<ul><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<li><span style="font-size: small;">I need to pay my Etsy bill. </span>
</li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">I have a master plan. I want to write and illustrate humorous children's books. Hopefully this will lead to mild success and a demand for handmade character plushies. I'll hire wacky family members to produce said plushies and soon A&E will make reality television stars of us. After a good five season run, I'll have enough TV money to feel comfortable with the risk of opening a small food stand. I have the place picked out already. It's near the bike trail and downtown (convenient considering I'll become the type of concerned citizen who bandies about phrases like -downtown revitalization-). American dream.</span>
</li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Maybe a few folks besides my mom and those two people who hate me actually look at my stuff once in a while. (Let's not pretend that public blogs are all about introspection and views don't matter...no two people do not groan when bloggers pretend things like that.) </span>
</li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><b>I really liked blogging. I want to do it again.</b></span></li>
</span></ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />P.S. I accidentally typed "The One with the Friendly Reindeer" as the title of this post. <i>What </i>is on my mind? </span></span>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-73339175376283693252013-05-03T17:10:00.003-05:002013-05-03T17:12:28.723-05:00Things that make you uncomfortable...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Wet socks.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Unattached hair.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Babies.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Meetings.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Swimsuits.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Shredded Wheat.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Other people’s showers.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Waiting alone.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Talking about money.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Cooked fruit.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Meth teeth.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sharing food.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">“What are you thinking?”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">New people.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Werewolf hands.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Waterpark bathrooms.</span></span></div>
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<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">*This list not exhaustive. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com/2013/04/blog-every-day-in-may-challenge.html" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dOerKw0adRQ/UYQyC3eUbcI/AAAAAAAAC9k/bUPvDK1hD2I/s200/mayblog.png" width="200" /></a></div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-25992759584096668492013-05-02T20:15:00.000-05:002013-05-03T17:12:04.136-05:00Educate us on something...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><b><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Day 2: <span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #333333;">Educate us on something you know a lot about or are good
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<![endif]--><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Oh man. I am so good at so many things. Like,</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span></span></span></div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">saying I’m going to tackle a project after work
but watching television instead.</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">sit and reach.</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">consuming large amounts of food in one sitting.</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">not learning to play guitar.</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">making people feel uncomfortable.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">imitating Forest Gump on accident.</span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">being terrified of snakes.</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But today, friends, I shall educate you on “The Carlton”.</span><span class="apple-style-span"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Put on some sweet tunes. Might I suggest something
by Tom Jones? Something like “It’s Not Unusual”.</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Make sure no one else is around. (You might want
to do this first. Don’t.)</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Grab a microphone-shaped prop. Sing into it.</span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Swing your arms and snap your fingers to the
beat while slightly bending forward.</span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">With knees bent, shift your weight from one leg
to the other.</span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Don’t be afraid to add flair – wiggle your hips,
add a spin, wear a sweater vest, and maintain a freakishly large grin.</span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If you have access to stairs, or a couch, run up
them for dramatic effect.</span><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Return to number 4 and repeat until you notice
someone noticing you.</span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You’re welcome.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com/2013/04/blog-every-day-in-may-challenge.html" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dOerKw0adRQ/UYQyC3eUbcI/AAAAAAAAC9g/Nia2DIzuFjI/s200/mayblog.png" width="200" /></a></div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-53925408643599813052013-05-01T19:57:00.000-05:002013-05-03T17:12:18.698-05:00The story of your life in 250 words or less <i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This post is part of the series <a href="http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com/2013/04/blog-every-day-in-may-challenge.html" target="_blank">"Blog Every Day in May"</a>.</span></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was born in 1981. Twenty-something years later I got ©1981
tattooed on my right butt cheek. In between those two events were </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>country roads, church choirs, comfort
food, lots of family and a few good friends;</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i>library cards, art classes, web designs, quiet dreams and words written
more than spoken;</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>failed attempts, broken toes, crocodile
tears, a cancer scare and bouncing back; </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i>home plans, impulse buys, first days, full-on obsessions and strawberry-flavored
everything;</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>things made right, shoes to fill, big sistership,
becoming okay and sins washed away ; </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><br />
</i>chipmunk laughter, awkward glances, useless trivia, sun-freckled skin and
mismatched eyes.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It’s been a few years since that tattoo. I like to think I’m
a little bit smarter. I can’t decide whether it’s better to be rough or smooth
around the edges and figure I’ll always be both. I still believe that everything
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com/2013/04/blog-every-day-in-may-challenge.html" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dOerKw0adRQ/UYQyC3eUbcI/AAAAAAAAC9k/bUPvDK1hD2I/s200/mayblog.png" width="200" /></a></div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-42599554847639400142013-04-08T22:31:00.001-05:002013-04-18T18:55:41.331-05:00Yo Sista is Sooooo Single that...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KPrd2JUHV5E/UWOKQyVJSUI/AAAAAAAAC20/P-lT0fEHfm0/s1600/dreamdate.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="247" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KPrd2JUHV5E/UWOKQyVJSUI/AAAAAAAAC20/P-lT0fEHfm0/s400/dreamdate.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">If we replaced "yo mamma" jokes with "yo sista's so single" jokes, </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">someone could say to my sister, "yo sista is so single that she got </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">dumped by the same guy twice and she wasn't even dating him the second </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">time around" and it would be totally true.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Apparently I wasn't enthusiastic enough on a recent <i>I guess this </i></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i>is us being friends</i> phone call and I got dumped as a friend in a </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">manner very similar to that in which I was dumped as a girlfriend</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">almost exactly one year prior(!). [P.S. On my most enthusiastic day </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">I'm Rosanne Barr at best. Plus I hate talking on the tele - a fact </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">that he knows. Not quite sure what he was expecting.]</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Around this same time, a friend who had been going out to dinners with </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">a man, cooking in for him</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222;">, leaving a toothbrush at his request, receiving sweet texts daily </span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222;">and spending solo time with his kid, was flabbergasted when she </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">heard him say that they were not "dating". If that's not dating, I </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">need someone to explain the concept to me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Another friend went on a first date with a guy who was ready to marry </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">her that night. (This ain't <i>Dharma and Greg</i>, y'all.) While countless</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">other friends date the same guy for years and years and years but he's never quite </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">ready to make a commitment. (This ain't <i>Sex and the City</i></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><i> </i>either.)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Several of my gal pals have "friendships" with men who don't want to </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">date them but turn into 14-year-old girls when they don't receive a </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">response to a text within a timely manner. Timely, by the way, seems </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">to range from two and one-half minutes all the way up to a whopping thirty minutes, even during work </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">hours. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">So. To the next person who asks why I'm not dating (and people often </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">do), I might say "because I don't know how" or "because men have me </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">stumped, yo" or "because the only men who flirt with me are married </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(another thing I don't get)". Not dating isn't a choice I've made. No </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">one's asking (spending most of my waking hours around men I already </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">know with no chance of meeting new ones probably doesn't help) and I'm </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">far too afraid of rejection to do the asking myself.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><b>Any tips on understanding the psyche of men? Is there an app for that?</b></span></span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-48620322483781349312013-04-04T22:18:00.000-05:002013-04-04T22:21:30.339-05:00It's not like we traded the computer for a dog. Oh wait.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t8wvr1hNVCc/UV42vB8AVdI/AAAAAAAAC2g/BY9QkDooCzk/s1600/dalmatian_sm.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t8wvr1hNVCc/UV42vB8AVdI/AAAAAAAAC2g/BY9QkDooCzk/s1600/dalmatian_sm.png" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I was a young lass, we traded our family computer for a dalmatian. Don't worry - it was mom's idea. (Now I'm painting faux dalmatian wallpaper in my media room. That's what we call full circle, y'all.) </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The puppy was much cuter than the computer - </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a rolly polly little thing that my dad named Chief and my little brother became BFFs with. Chief grew up to be 90-ish pounds and a very talented sneezer. It was a good trade.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm thinking of bringing the barter system back into my life. You have fresh eggs? Well I somehow ended up with two copies of <i>Rumble Fish</i>. Let's trade! You grew extra cilantro? I bought <i>The Joy Luck Club</i> twice. Swapsies!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Seriously though, I have an amazingly talented group of friends. Cooks, designers, carpenters, photographers, sewing mavens, mechanics, gardeners... I could list and list and list. I don't know how to do some of the things they are great at, and vice versa. Obviously we help each other out from time to time, but I have in mind something with more intention. Effort. Organization. Probably a database situation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a bonus, we might accidentally get a bit of quality time with other humans during all the bartering. I mean, hearing news straight from the mouths of my friends <i>before</i> I read it on Facebook - can you imagine?!?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Do you barter? Tell me about it.</b></span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-78703571795858222632013-04-03T17:56:00.000-05:002013-04-03T17:56:00.401-05:00Shout, shout, let it all out<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CBQM9fcFWzo/UVyJLvNri6I/AAAAAAAAC2E/sFgrYh4PDbU/s1600/scream.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CBQM9fcFWzo/UVyJLvNri6I/AAAAAAAAC2E/sFgrYh4PDbU/s400/scream.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sometimes I want to scream and scream and scream and scream. Feel free to tell me this is normal.</span></span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-78871003826616997292013-04-01T17:45:00.000-05:002013-04-01T18:06:19.819-05:00I am the April Fools' Day Scrooge<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-awLn9vi4nrs/UVnv2yDLa2I/AAAAAAAAC10/HtOzyNgJYC4/s1600/graphWA.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="278" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-awLn9vi4nrs/UVnv2yDLa2I/AAAAAAAAC10/HtOzyNgJYC4/s400/graphWA.jpg" width="400" /></a> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I like jokes. I like comedic entertainment. I am sarcastic to a fault. Seriousness makes me itch. But. I hate April Fools' Day. Always have. <br /><br />Being an <span style="font-size: small;">extremely</span> introverted, shy and socially anxious child/teen, April Fools' Day terrified me. I pretty much lived in fear of being the butt of a joke every day of the year - the thought of a day set aside for even the sweetest of people to trick me was enough to conjure up a quick stomach virus. <br /><br />As an adult, I don't find AFD terrifying. Just annoying. <br /><br />For example, a friend announced that she had broken up with her boyfriend this morning. I (and probably everyone else she knows) was happy for her. The guy is a jerk. He does jerky things. And homeboy ain't even hott (let's be honest ladies - the amount of crap we're willing to take off a guy is directly proportional to how much he looks like a 21-year-old Josh Brolin). Then I remembered that today is April 1. The breakup is probably a joke. A joke that will last all stupid day before she admits that it was a joke because she doesn't realize just how much everyone notices the jerkiness of and dislikes her boyfriend. Congrats on helping us like him even less - he really didn't need any help. <br /><br />Then there's the age-old "I'm pregnant!". I saw that <span style="font-size: small;">from so<span style="font-size: small;"> many bloggers today. </span></span>Maybe this one is innocent and fun for your close friends and family, but when you post it for your <span style="font-size: small;">hordes</span> of blog and instagram and twitter followers to read, it's bound to cause a little hurt in some<span style="font-size: small;">one</span> who desperately wants to say those words but can't. Compassion. It's in the dictionary. (Check out the <a href="http://www.younghouselove.com/2013/04/you-know-we-like-a-good-musical-reference/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+YoungHouseLove+%28Young+House+Love%29&utm_content=Google+Reader" target="_blank">Young House Love April Fools' </a><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.younghouselove.com/2013/04/you-know-we-like-a-good-musical-reference/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+YoungHouseLove+%28Young+House+Love%29&utm_content=Google+Reader" target="_blank">joke</a><span style="font-size: small;"> - t<span style="font-size: small;">hat's how to do a blogger AFD post right, y'all.)</span></span></span><br /><br />Over the years, I have gotten into the habit of not believing anything anyone says on April 1. I read blog posts and think "bull". I read tweets & FB statuses and voice a hardy "yeah right". Wanna text or call me with news? Better wait till tomorrow. Like my outfit? Keep it to yourself.<br /><br />If I could choose one day a year to sleep for 24 hours, it would be AFD. Bah humbug. <br /><br />If you happen to love AFD, <strike>unfriend me on Facebook</strike> at least throw the rest of us a bone and admit to your trickery in a timely manner. Don't leave us hanging all day.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Wanna read about something that's no joke? Head over<span style="font-size: small;"> to <a href="http://turningmediterranean.com/" target="_blank">TurningMediterranean.com</a> for <span style="font-size: small;">my delicious and healthy recipes. #ShamelessPlug </span></span></span></span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-55861753117363247772013-03-22T20:02:00.001-05:002013-03-22T20:02:40.000-05:00Pretty much just got Final Destinationed.<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I. Almost. Died. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had just returned home from work and was about to change into sweatpants (cause it's Friday night!). I heard my text notification in another room and started to run to check my phone as it was probably Gregg Rainwater circa 1989 texting to ask me to the movies. (Obviously if that were the case, I would need to change into hot pants* instead of sweatpants. I'm not the kind of girl who wastes pant changes.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On my way, I neared my hair dryer. It fell from whence it lay and brushed my dresser in such a manner to power it on. Time stopped for a moment. I saw myself being burned to death by the dryer. It would be ever so slow and painful. My hair would frizz.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The dryer hit the floor and bounced onto my leg. Being average smart and sorta average quick, I was able to thwart Death's plan. I bravely stooped and turned the dryer off. Of course this means he is coming after one of you now. My bad.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>*I'm typing of pants that are hot, not hotpants. I'm not a savage. No offense, Gregg.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.S. Turns out the text was about Veronica Mars. Nearly as important as vintage Gregg Rainwater.</span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-58431595783623126872013-03-19T23:34:00.001-05:002013-03-19T23:34:03.341-05:00Touché Tuesday Advice Column<i style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><b>Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out <a href="http://whitfieldawesome.blogspot.com/p/touche-tuesday-advice-form.html" style="color: #84e516; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank">this form</a>. </b></i><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Dear Jen,<br />I am dating a guy who has a daughter (about 10 years old). I don't have kids and I haven't spent much time around kids since I was one myself. Do you have any suggestions for what I could do to bond with her?</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Sincerely, Clueless</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Clueless,</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Insufficient data. I need to know things like: How big are your closets? Is she tall enough to reach the bottom of your washing machine? Can she cook? Do you have litter-boxes?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Seriously though, just ask her what she likes to do. Then do it. (Assuming her responses are more akin to puzzles or bike riding than meth or watching the Disney Channel.)</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">♥ Jen</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><b>Dear Jen,</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>First, you are soooo beautiful. Second, if I were to spend fifty-something hours watching one TV series, based on the Pony Express, that ran from 1989-1992, which one should I watch? </b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>Yours, <strike>Jen</strike> Schmen*</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Dear Schmen, </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">You should watch <i>The Young Riders </i>on Hulu. It's about boys (and a girl) who are young (but legal) and ride. The title is crazy on target. It's full of horses and gun fights and saloons and cowboys and cheesiness and mail. 100% of eight-year-old me's and thirty-one-year-old me's agree: Buck is totally the hottest rider. And I still want to be Lou.<br />♥ Jen</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><i>*It is possible that I made this question up to profess my love for The Young Riders which I recently re-discovered. My fam watched it when it originally aired on television. I still dig it.</i></span></span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-137084242179570652013-03-14T22:25:00.001-05:002013-03-14T22:25:37.892-05:00Where have I been?!?<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just haven't been able to bring the funny lately. Hopefully I'll be back in the groove soon.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the meantime, check out my new other blog, <a href="http://turningmediterranean.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><i>Turning Mediterranean</i></a>. <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">I, along with my parents and sister, have decided to adopt the Mediterranean lifestyle. Healthy foods, activity, sunshine. </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">We're adding more fruits and vegetables and exercise. We're subtracting some red meat and sweets and time in front of the television. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;"></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">I tend to stick to my guns a little better when I tell the internet about them. So this new blog is my proverbial trek. I'll be posting research as I learn more about the Mediterranean lifestyle, reviews of food products, recipes, etc. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">So there's that.</span></span><br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-55961169837041790712013-03-01T12:45:00.000-06:002013-03-01T14:04:38.391-06:00Call to action! New Orleans! Lomography! What?!?<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Twenty-twenty-twenty<span style="font-size: small;">-</span>four hours to go and Misha needs your help to fund her Kickstarter
project. I backed her first project, "Adventures in Lomography - New
York", a couple years ago and she did not disappoint. Now she's putting
together a lomo New Orleans book. Imagine how cool people will think you
are when they see this book on your coffee table. I mean, whoa.</span></span></span></span></span></h5>
<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Go to ther<span style="font-size: small;">e, like </span>now.</span></span></span></h5>
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<td><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ipzOg33vnWQ/UTEIlL-VJxI/AAAAAAAACvM/BHTvkcMRJFQ/s1600/Misha1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ipzOg33vnWQ/UTEIlL-VJxI/AAAAAAAACvM/BHTvkcMRJFQ/s320/Misha1.png" width="320" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Misha Ashton's fir<span style="font-size: x-small;">st book, </span></span>Adventures in Lomography - New York.</span></span></div>
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-30394243757393614432013-03-01T12:34:00.000-06:002013-03-01T12:34:00.053-06:00Bully for you, bully for me.<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Bullying has been a major buzzword over the last few years. Journalists are writing about it. Celebrities are making videos. Is it helping? I don't know. Pretty sure I'd be arrested if I started asking random school children if people are mean to them. <br /><br />This week, I came across the lovely video embedded at the bottom of this post. <i>About bullying.</i> This week, I also posted an article to the company Facebook page. <i>About bullying. </i>I thought I'd come here and share a little story about young Jen. <i>About bullying. </i><br /><br />This isn't my only story. And there are far worse stories than mine. I'm a grown up now and <i>most</i> of the bullies sunk to the bottom. <b>It got better. They were wrong</b>. I wish I had understood that when I was a child. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I can't remember if it was ninth or tenth grade. My bus arrived at school before most. I got off alone while the sky was still semi-dark. She waited. Every morning, She waited. For weeks. With her friends. She was obviously the leader because the others were scared. They never said a word. <b>They were scared and I was alone and She probably had a miserable home life. </b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">They would make a circle around me and She would hold out her hand. "Lunchbox." I carried an old metal lunchbox because my very small circle of friends, who wouldn't arrive at school for another twenty minutes and would have been just as passive and squirmy as me, was into vintage. It was an awesome lunchbox. <span style="font-size: small;">Care Bears</span>. An awesome lunchbox that, by lunchtime, only contained the things She didn't want.<br /><br />She would take the food She wanted and eat it right in front of me. Make fun of whatever was left.<span style="font-size: small;"> Liking those t<span style="font-size: small;">hings mad<span style="font-size: small;">e me stupid and ugly and a freak.</span></span></span></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>"See you tomorrow. Don't miss school."</b></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After <b>weeks of the same. damned. thing.</b> I finally told my parents. I guess I just needed to talk about it and I was too <span style="font-size: small;">embarrassed</span> to tell my friends. My mom wanted to call the school. My dad wanted to make <span style="font-size: small;">Ex-lax</span> sandwiches. I begged them not to do anything because She would beat me up. I had never been in a fight and the thought of being punched terrified me. I would rather be humiliated and hungry.<br /><br />"Stop packing your lunch, buy it." "She'll beat me up." "Stand up to her." "She'll beat me up." "Tell a teacher." "She'll beat me up. At this point, I want her to take my lunch. Taking my lunch means nothing worse than a stolen lunch will happen to me."<br /><br />My parents phoned the school. I cried.<br /><br />I was called to the principal's office. I didn't even know how to go to the principal's office. I watched his angel fish. He asked me about She. I told him the what, when and where. As for the who, I didn't know her name. He had a clue. <b>He said "I think I know who would do this."</b> He had me stand in the hallway while he called her out of class. "If that's the girl, give me a sign. Scratch your nose."</span></span> </blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I thought about how nice it would be to just die. <b>I wondered why none of the adults could understand</b> that I would be beaten beyond recognition after this. They thought they were helping but they were sentencing me.<br /><br />I positioned myself in the hallway. Down-wind from where she should emerge. If all went according to plan she would turn right and not see me. <b>I have never been the girl who believes that all will go according to plan.</b> "I'll hide to the side of the lockers," I thought. But there were no lockers in that part of the hallway. That's the first time I remember thinking a curse word. I darted around like a cornered animal until I noticed a water fountain. I stooped next to it and untied my shoe. And retied my shoe. An<span style="font-size: small;">d untied my shoe. <span style="font-size: small;">And retied my shoe. </span></span>I repeated this until She emerged and turned right. It all went according to plan. <br /><br />I scratched my nose. His hunch was correct. He had the right girl. I wondered <b>what had to happen to a 14-year-old girl for people to recognize her by her cruelty?</b> Then I wondered how it was going to feel when She shattered that nose I just scratched. Would I look the same after it healed?<br /><br />I never saw her again. I don't know if She continued to attend my school or if I was the last straw that sent her somewhere else. I still don't know her name. </span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">P.S. If you are She and beating the million-to-one odds that She would ever read this AND you are still mean, I currently live in Oregon. As a man. And a vegan. Come and get me.</span><br /> <br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-32031565217657526652013-02-19T07:31:00.000-06:002013-02-19T07:31:00.373-06:00Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Anger<i style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><b>Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out <a href="http://whitfieldawesome.blogspot.com/p/touche-tuesday-advice-form.html" style="color: #84e516; text-decoration: initial;" target="_blank">this form</a>. </b></i><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<b style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Dear Jen,</b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Help! I have anger issues. I tend to break things to make myself feel better. My roommate upset me recently and I broke her favorite glass figurine. I need a better way to deal. How do you handle anger?<br />Sincerely, Hot Headed</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear <strike>Hulk Smash</strike> Hot Headed,</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First of all, unless your roommate is 80-years-old, she shouldn't have a favorite glass figurine. Tell her that she is welcome. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Next, how do</span><i style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"> I</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"> handle anger? I usually cry and/or verbally vomit all over my sister (because she has to love me anyway) and/or ex-boyfriend (because OMG what is wrong with me) - but these methods aren't much better than breaking stuff. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe try:</span></span><br />
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<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">closing your eyes and counting to ten. I rolled my eyes just typing that. Don't do it.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">exercising. This requires that you also be insane.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">writing in a journal. Be careful. If people find out, they'll make fun of you and you'll just get angry all over again.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">getting the <a href="http://www.psfk.com/2010/05/acupressure-inspired-shirt-displays-wearers-emotional-state.html" target="_blank">e-Pressed shirt</a> past the conceptual stage so folks can feel you up and out of your anger.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Let's get real. Just post vague Facebook statuses that make your "friends" consider hiding your updates, like a normal person. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Man. This was a terrible attempt at providing advice. You mad?</span></span></div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2868479379807692862.post-86526006453233948602013-02-18T19:34:00.001-06:002013-02-18T20:26:20.486-06:00Communication Breakdown: My Apologies to Mexico<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, not really Mexico. Not everyone who speaks Spanish is from Mexico. Everyone who is me is sometimes a real jerk though. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My little bro moved to Washington last Monday, five days prior to our dad's birthday. This happened:</span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O2LOR7VwMeA/USLQXCVs3iI/AAAAAAAACtA/dZ3wh-uRC-s/s1600/spanish.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O2LOR7VwMeA/USLQXCVs3iI/AAAAAAAACtA/dZ3wh-uRC-s/s320/spanish.png" width="274" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You see, what had happened was...my brother got a new phone number a while back. Apparently I had both his new number and his old number in my phone. I accidentally sent a couple photos to his old number and received the response "Hola quien eres". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It did not register with me that I had the wrong number until after I sent "Bless you?" in return. No, really. Thankfully they didn't say anything else. Probably because they were busy telling their amigos about the puta on the other end of the textersation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was in the midst of Panang & Sushi Night with the fam so I mentioned what was transpiring on the ole tele. Due to a recent numbers mix-up, they knew that little bro's old number had transferred to a Spanish-speaking woman. NOW they tell me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In case you (like some people writing this blog) aren't fluent in Spanish, "Hola quien eres" means "hello who are you" in English. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would argue a case for not expecting someone texting you in English to understand your response in another language but I have to write an apology letter to everyone who speaks Spanish and is not from Mexico. </span>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15963583009765555961noreply@blogger.com2