Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Money

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Dear Jen,
I have a lot of money. And when I mean a lot, I mean A LOT! I have so much money, I don't know what to do with it all. I have all my finances, investments, and estates all squared away... In the event something happens to me, I am donating $1,000.00 to National Public Radio, $1,000.00 to promote the domestication of Longhead Dreamer Anglerfish, and the rest will be left to my cat. I hope it's enough.

I am proud of my (future) charitable contributions. But what should I do with all this money I'm rolling in while I'm alive? I am considering human cryogenics, which, in that case, I won't be giving any money to charity...because I'm not really dead!

Do you have any ideas for me? And please, spare me the, 'It sounds like you could spare some money for me' bit. I want a real suggestion.

Forbes Can’t Touch This, Scrooge McDuck

Dear Scrooge,
You could always start a school in Africa like Oprah. Or hug child actors poor kids on commercials like countless other celebs. Or, for goodness sake, give some to Instagram. My photos keep failing when I’m inside a building and that makes me sad.

But it sounds like you really want to do something with your money to inspire people to say things like “whoa, that d-bag sure has a lot of money” or “think of all the kids Derek Zoolander could have taught to read good and do other stuff good too with that money”.  So, obviously, you should build a tree house out of large bills. Paper is surprisingly strong when folded correctly and tree houses are super fun. Don’t believe me, read this report on the folding endurance and tensile strength of paper and this report on the funness of tree houses.

And I never would have said, “It sounds like you could spare some money for me.” I don't need your money – I’m basically Rick James...

♥Jen

BONUS RANDOM CRAP: I continue my quest to become America's Worst Vlogger with a BirchUnboxing.