Bona fide hustler making my name

I've been MIA this week preparing for three job interviews. I feel like one went really well, one went pretty well and one was just terrible. While I was away, I picked up a few great interviewing tips for my fellow job-hunters:

1. Should you find yourself sitting in a chair held together by packing tape, do not become distracted by thoughts of how unpretty it is going to be when you bust through the chair like the Kool-aid man. Or by wondering if the interview panel would get it if you yelled "Oh yeah!" afterward. Or by contemplating whether or not you really want to work with the kind of people who wouldn't get it.
2. Should you forget to remove your nose ring pre-interview and try to remove it discreetly in the lobby as you wait to be called back for the interview, it will definitely get stuck. You will have to bear down on that sucker and someone will think you are picking your nose.
3. Should you find yourself not being the kind of lady that has pantyhose on hand, don't wait until the last minute to purchase them. Putting brand new hose on in the car on the way to an interview is hard. Yelling at your thumbnail for snagging said hose does not help matters at all.
4. Should you find yourself being videotaped, resist the urge to quote Anchorman. Also, you will definitely be videotaped from a low angle so you might as well get over the double chin thing.

You won't hear this stuff from your career counselor, folks. You're welcome.

Job interviews should be more like this: 

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Job Interviews and ...

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A job interview must!

Dear Jen,
I have my first real job interview next week. I'm super nervous! I'd like to practice answering questions. What questions would you ask during an interview?
Sincerely, New Hire

Dear New Hire,
You will probably hear the same tired questions that have plagued interviewees for centuries: where would you like to see yourself in 5 years and if you were a tree what kind of tree would you be? The only correct answers to these questions include getting my tan on while I watch the pool boy and that crazy hair molesting tree from Avatar. Interviewers know this.

But you didn't ask what questions you are likely to be asked in an interview. You asked what questions I would ask during an interview. These:

1. I am forcing you to participate in Ultimate Cage Match. Would you rather fight Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman or Donna Martin?
2. What do you feel is the best color combination for a luchador mask?
3. The answer is 42. What is the question?
4. What do you like most about me?
5. Lisa Frank. Yea or nay?

♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
I just finished watching the Veronica Mars series on DVD. The ending was so abrupt and unsatisfying. How do I get over this?
Love Jen Some Other Person That's Totally Not Me

Dear Some Other Person That's Totally Not Me,
Definitely don't order Moonlight, another series starring that guy that played Logan, or imagine yourself all petite and cuddly with Logan as you drift off to sleep (it's okay - he only played a teen, he's actually 30). That would be sorta crazy. Sweet dreams.
♥ Jen

Interview Answer Key:

1. Donna Martin. Because David Silver would show up and have you seen his present day abs?
2. Coral and teal.
3. The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything.
4. Obviously your beauty is unparalleled, your intelligence is astounding and your sense of style is nothing short of wicked, but what I like most is your dry sense of humor.
5. Uh. Yea.