Bona fide hustler making my name

I've been MIA this week preparing for three job interviews. I feel like one went really well, one went pretty well and one was just terrible. While I was away, I picked up a few great interviewing tips for my fellow job-hunters:

1. Should you find yourself sitting in a chair held together by packing tape, do not become distracted by thoughts of how unpretty it is going to be when you bust through the chair like the Kool-aid man. Or by wondering if the interview panel would get it if you yelled "Oh yeah!" afterward. Or by contemplating whether or not you really want to work with the kind of people who wouldn't get it.
2. Should you forget to remove your nose ring pre-interview and try to remove it discreetly in the lobby as you wait to be called back for the interview, it will definitely get stuck. You will have to bear down on that sucker and someone will think you are picking your nose.
3. Should you find yourself not being the kind of lady that has pantyhose on hand, don't wait until the last minute to purchase them. Putting brand new hose on in the car on the way to an interview is hard. Yelling at your thumbnail for snagging said hose does not help matters at all.
4. Should you find yourself being videotaped, resist the urge to quote Anchorman. Also, you will definitely be videotaped from a low angle so you might as well get over the double chin thing.

You won't hear this stuff from your career counselor, folks. You're welcome.

Job interviews should be more like this: