Feeling 32

I've been 32 for exactly one month and I'm pretty boss at it. Boss means fumbly with the unfortunate fashion sense of Hannah Horvath, right? Here are a few things I've learned, so far, about this year of life:

1. The skin creams you just started using will pay off - people will compliment your nice complexion! And then note that your twenty-six-year-old sister's complexion is better.
2. People discuss poop. With concern. Don't giggle.
3. College students will begin to think that you are a "mam".
4. Middle-aged ladies working in department stores will treat you as if you have enough money to purchase the pricey watches you ask to try on instead of rolling their eyes. This is kind of cool and kind of a bummer.
5. The other 30-somethings around you who seem to have everything together are faking it at least part of the time.
6. Everything in this video is true:

Single and ready to mingle, if by mingle you mean...

...choose a plot at St. Mary's. 

In the last couple of months I have heard the following statements:

• "I didn't get married young. I was older. Waaaaayyyy older. I was, like, 28."
• "I can't imagine how it would feel to be in my thirties and still not married."
• "Men need to straighten up. We're the reason we're not getting married until we're older. I mean, I was thirty before I got married."

I am thirty-one. 30+1. 31. And I have never, no, not once, not ever been married. Ever. 

Now, if you are reading this and you happen to be one of the wordsmiths who crafted one of these quotes, do not fret. I do not remember who said them. I am the most interesting man and/or woman in the world. Just keeping up with all the crap I say is totally hard. I don't have time to remember the specifics around what others say. 

Do I want to be married? I think so. Do I feel inadequate for not being married yet? Not usually. 

Sometimes I see really gross/mean/stupid people wearing wedding bands and wonder how they found someone to make it work with but I can't. Obviously I stop to make up stories about their gross spouse, who may or may not be part or fully mule, and the disgusting way they met and the stupid ways they keep the fire burning. Then I'm late for a very important date or my 16 gallons of ice cream have melted all over my cat food and body pillow cover*. So thanks for that, married people. Thanks. 

To sum things up:

This is totally worth clicking on to view larger.
Duh - it was made by the most interesting man and/or woman in the world.

*This has never actually happened because I don't like ice cream** very much. It may have happened with peanut butter m&ms though. That's what I get for shopping at Florida's Finest Outdoor August Candy Shop - Now shade-free!

**This is probably why no one wants to marry me.