Single and ready to mingle, if by mingle you mean...

...choose a plot at St. Mary's. 

In the last couple of months I have heard the following statements:

• "I didn't get married young. I was older. Waaaaayyyy older. I was, like, 28."
• "I can't imagine how it would feel to be in my thirties and still not married."
• "Men need to straighten up. We're the reason we're not getting married until we're older. I mean, I was thirty before I got married."

I am thirty-one. 30+1. 31. And I have never, no, not once, not ever been married. Ever. 

Now, if you are reading this and you happen to be one of the wordsmiths who crafted one of these quotes, do not fret. I do not remember who said them. I am the most interesting man and/or woman in the world. Just keeping up with all the crap I say is totally hard. I don't have time to remember the specifics around what others say. 

Do I want to be married? I think so. Do I feel inadequate for not being married yet? Not usually. 

Sometimes I see really gross/mean/stupid people wearing wedding bands and wonder how they found someone to make it work with but I can't. Obviously I stop to make up stories about their gross spouse, who may or may not be part or fully mule, and the disgusting way they met and the stupid ways they keep the fire burning. Then I'm late for a very important date or my 16 gallons of ice cream have melted all over my cat food and body pillow cover*. So thanks for that, married people. Thanks. 

To sum things up:

This is totally worth clicking on to view larger.
Duh - it was made by the most interesting man and/or woman in the world.

*This has never actually happened because I don't like ice cream** very much. It may have happened with peanut butter m&ms though. That's what I get for shopping at Florida's Finest Outdoor August Candy Shop - Now shade-free!

**This is probably why no one wants to marry me.

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Love & The Junior League

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.

Dear Jen,
It's me, Billy, again. It's been a long time since I asked you for advice about dating my cousin. Now that you have had some time to think about it, have you changed your mind at all?
Love, Billy

Dear Billy,
Stop. Seriously. Our kids would have extra arms. No.
See you at Grannies, ♥Jen

Dear Jen,
I recently moved to a new town and joined the Junior League in an effort to make new friends. My first meeting is next week. I'm excited but a little scared. Do you have any tips on fitting in?
All the best, New In Town

Dear NIT,
Boy did you come to the right advice column! I have Junior League* written all over me.

1. Always wear pearls. Even in the shower (bathe in water that hasn't dripped off pearls, pfft).
2. Lean against walls and smoke cigarettes. You will look cool and carefree. Plus the wall will help hold you up since all you eat now is nicotine. 
3. If you have a job, quit. You're going to need to spend a lot of time gathering intel on other League members (intel is a fancy word for gossip).
4. If you have children, and you should, they are always someone else's problem.
5. Learn all the rules to games that old people play, like Bridge. But not Mahjong. 
6. Never eat pie made of feces.
7. Don't forget you're lacy gloves when you go out in public. This way folks won't mistake you for someone who does work.

*Everything I think I know about the Junior League may be derived from "The Help". 

Hope you're ready to be popular!
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
My husband wants to throw out/donate his Aaron, Kacey & Jen's Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire shirt. Granted, we are currently purging and packing for an unexpected move within 1.5 weeks of notification, and we have limited space for storage and things to bring with us. I feel like this shirt is sacred, and shouldn't be shared with anyone asides the Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire (BBBSATE for short), so I don't want it donated. But I can't even FATHOM the thought of throwing it out.

Is this grounds for divorce? How can I make my husband compromise with me so I don't have to leave him for good?

Please help me Jen, you're my only hope!
Kacey (BBBSATE Team Member)

Dear Kacey,

It's an age-old tale..."I thought I knew him. Then we married and he became someone who does not fully appreciate an Aaron, Kacey & Jen's Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire shirt." I blame society. There is just no sanctity in marriage any more. But I have been led to believe that men are good to have around for some things, like killing snakes and remembering to replace batteries in smoke detectors (note to self: it's been 8 years). Plus divorce is expensive and time consuming and it's almost time for the fall TV lineup. So, in effort to save your home from fire, snakes, and an overly full DVR, I suggest wrapping something fragile in the shirt. Like your husband's favorite beer stein. Then the shirt is packing material. It's useful. It's resourceful. It's still in your ownership. 

If this doesn't work, grab the shirt, smash the beer stein, use a shard to cut him and run. You can come back to Florida. We'll dye your hair in the sink at a shady motel. 

♥Jen