Yo Sista is Sooooo Single that...

If we replaced "yo mamma" jokes with "yo sista's so single" jokes, someone could say to my sister, "yo sista is so single that she got dumped by the same guy twice and she wasn't even dating him the second time around" and it would be totally true.

Apparently I wasn't enthusiastic enough on a recent I guess this is us being friends phone call and I got dumped as a friend in a manner very similar to that in which I was dumped as a girlfriend almost exactly one year prior(!). [P.S. On my most enthusiastic day I'm Rosanne Barr at best. Plus I hate talking on the tele - a fact that he knows. Not quite sure what he was expecting.]

Around this same time, a friend who had been going out to dinners with a man, cooking in for him, leaving a toothbrush at his request, receiving sweet texts daily and spending solo time with his kid, was flabbergasted when she heard him say that they were not "dating". If that's not dating, I need someone to explain the concept to me.

Another friend went on a first date with a guy who was ready to marry her that night. (This ain't Dharma and Greg, y'all.) While countless other friends date the same guy for years and years and years but he's never quite ready to make a commitment. (This ain't Sex and the City either.)

Several of my gal pals have "friendships" with men who don't want to date them but turn into 14-year-old girls when they don't receive a response to a text within a timely manner. Timely, by the way, seems to range from two and one-half minutes all the way up to a whopping thirty minutes, even during work hours. 

So. To the next person who asks why I'm not dating (and people often do), I might say "because I don't know how" or "because men have me stumped, yo" or "because the only men who flirt with me are married (another thing I don't get)". Not dating isn't a choice I've made. No one's asking (spending most of my waking hours around men I already know with no chance of meeting new ones probably doesn't help) and I'm far too afraid of rejection to do the asking myself.

Any tips on understanding the psyche of men? Is there an app for that?

Dating a beef steak, ah yeah!

Last week I was gchatting with the most recent ex because omg I still do that what's wrong with me and we were talking about steak cooked in water. Let's all just go ahead and agree: that sounds awful. He swears it's life-changingly good. 

We got to comparing steaks to boyfriends (as in boyfriends for me - he still swims in the lady pond). He trying to convince me that steak is better than a man with the "steaks don't argue" and the "steaks will always be there for you in your time of need". Me trying to convince him that steaks are exactly like a man with the "steaks are often cold in the middle" and the "steaks never hear anything you say". 

Of course, in an effort to prove myself right, I dated a steak. I did it for all the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me. Sort of. Mostly I did it because I needed a stupid good prompt and I like proving myself right.* 

Let's do this: (Because I used part of an Avett Bros song, YouTube will not allow this vid to be viewed on a mobile device. I understand. Surely everyone thinks I wrote and performed the song. Until I find a YouTube approved song that works as perfectly with this video as the AB song, please view on a computer. Like people did in the olden days. Thank you.)


*Yes, I realize that dating a steak proves something else entirely.

P.S. YouTube informs me that I am now approved to upload videos up to 15 minutes long. Blame them for the future.

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Quick Fire

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.    

So MSN had Caroline Manzo answer nine of YOUR toughest questions. Probably because they couldn't get me on the phone. I never answer the phone unless it's a cute boy or a peanut butter M&M for life contest winner announcer. Plus, MSN, you really need to start using email.

My answers to Caroline's questions...

Dear Jen,
How do I handle a mean girl at work?
Love, Wimpy

Dear Wimpy,
You really shouldn't be handling girls at work. They'll get you on sexual harrassment.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
How do I know if my pre-wedding jitters are normal or a sign I should call the whole thing off?
Love, Scared

Dear Scared,
I'm pretty sure everyone who has ever gotten married had pre-wedding jitters. Quite frankly, I'm tired of hearing about them. Write me when have better jitters. Like I'm about to start raising 465 guinea fowl jitters.
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
How do I ask my boss for a raise?
Love, Underpaid

Dear Underpaid,
With one eye closed and biting down on a stick. 
♥Jen

Dear Jen, 
How can I be supportive of both my parents during a divorce without taking sides?
Love, Torn

Dear Torn,
Are you kidding. Take sides! Both of them. 3 words: double Christmas presents.
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
How can I get my husband to be more romantic?
Love, Wanting More

Dear Wanting More,
By refusing to have sex with him. I think your husband submitted a question to my column: "My wife hasn't caught on to the whole withholding sex thing. How did I get so lucky (pun intended)?"
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
How can I learn to feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin?
Love, Insecure

Dear Insecure,
Great. Now I'm thinking of you with no skin. Thanks. 
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
I'm terrified of dating after my divorce. How do I get back out there?
Love, Single Again

Dear Single,
I may not be the best person to ask about this. Exhibit A: this post.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
I'm falling in love with my close male friend. Should I tell him how I feel?
♥ Lova

Dear Lova,
Do you want to be the next person asking about pre-wedding jitters and unromantic husbands and dating after divorces? Then no. 
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
My parents won't stop nagging me about getting married - how can I politely tell them to butt out?
Love, Single For the First Time

Dear Firsty,
Like this: "Hey guy, butt out."
♥Jen

If for some reason you really want to read Caroline's answers, gotohere.

Single and ready to mingle, if by mingle you mean...

...choose a plot at St. Mary's. 

In the last couple of months I have heard the following statements:

• "I didn't get married young. I was older. Waaaaayyyy older. I was, like, 28."
• "I can't imagine how it would feel to be in my thirties and still not married."
• "Men need to straighten up. We're the reason we're not getting married until we're older. I mean, I was thirty before I got married."

I am thirty-one. 30+1. 31. And I have never, no, not once, not ever been married. Ever. 

Now, if you are reading this and you happen to be one of the wordsmiths who crafted one of these quotes, do not fret. I do not remember who said them. I am the most interesting man and/or woman in the world. Just keeping up with all the crap I say is totally hard. I don't have time to remember the specifics around what others say. 

Do I want to be married? I think so. Do I feel inadequate for not being married yet? Not usually. 

Sometimes I see really gross/mean/stupid people wearing wedding bands and wonder how they found someone to make it work with but I can't. Obviously I stop to make up stories about their gross spouse, who may or may not be part or fully mule, and the disgusting way they met and the stupid ways they keep the fire burning. Then I'm late for a very important date or my 16 gallons of ice cream have melted all over my cat food and body pillow cover*. So thanks for that, married people. Thanks. 

To sum things up:

This is totally worth clicking on to view larger.
Duh - it was made by the most interesting man and/or woman in the world.

*This has never actually happened because I don't like ice cream** very much. It may have happened with peanut butter m&ms though. That's what I get for shopping at Florida's Finest Outdoor August Candy Shop - Now shade-free!

**This is probably why no one wants to marry me.

Touché Tuesday Advice: Man Dumb

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Ooh Foxy Lady

Dear Jen,
Why are men so dumb? I mean they are pretty nice most of the time, but every once and a while they just do dumb, dumb stuff. I did some dumb stuff. And I'm a guy. I broke up with my ex and that was totally dumb. I know, right? I realize now that she's really awesome. What's the best way to let her know that? (She happens to read this blog, so I'm hoping you answer this personally, and not one of your hundreds of interns or your cat.)
Sincerely, 
Dick Dickerson, Doucher IL

Dear Dick,

I honestly do not know why men are so dumb. Maybe that is what makes them able to kill snakes and remember stupid things like renewing license plate tags. I need snakes killed and tags renewed. Leave the dumb men be, would ya?

If your ex reads this blog, then yes, breaking up with her was totally dumb. She is obviously smart and funny and kind and beautiful and a snappy dresser and well read.* All WhitfieldAwesomeites (not to be confused with sodomites) are. Except Billy. 

Girls tend to be sensitive creatures, even the tough ones. A very simple gesture can go a long way with them. Like daily skywriting or tattooing her name on your forehead. If that's too tame for you, maybe just tell her how awesome she is and that you know you did some dumb stuff and you want to make things right if she'll give you a chance. I know, scary. She may be timid and take some coaxing. She may still remember how the dumb stuff made her feel and she'll want to be reassured that it won't happen again. Give her time. Try enticing her from under the couch with a laser or treats.  

Girls also know nothing about sports - they usually only give two strikes instead of the five allowed in that game with the stick and the ball and the squares that people run to. So try and keep the dumb to a minimum if she allows you to bask in her awesomeness again.

♥Intern #263 The Cat Jen

*I bet Natalie Merchant thinks she's fine, so well-bred. The perfect girl, a social deb. She's the sort that you've always thought could make, could make you what you're not. She's smart, so well-read. There are books, there are novels by her bed. She is the sort that you've always said could satisfy your head. But her frikking voice, her voice better not be reminding you of the promises, the little white lies, too. And NEVER, tell me, while she's touching you, just by mistake, you accidentally say Natalie Merchant's name. Just a guess. 

Any advice for this guy, dear readers?

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Love & The Junior League

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.

Dear Jen,
It's me, Billy, again. It's been a long time since I asked you for advice about dating my cousin. Now that you have had some time to think about it, have you changed your mind at all?
Love, Billy

Dear Billy,
Stop. Seriously. Our kids would have extra arms. No.
See you at Grannies, ♥Jen

Dear Jen,
I recently moved to a new town and joined the Junior League in an effort to make new friends. My first meeting is next week. I'm excited but a little scared. Do you have any tips on fitting in?
All the best, New In Town

Dear NIT,
Boy did you come to the right advice column! I have Junior League* written all over me.

1. Always wear pearls. Even in the shower (bathe in water that hasn't dripped off pearls, pfft).
2. Lean against walls and smoke cigarettes. You will look cool and carefree. Plus the wall will help hold you up since all you eat now is nicotine. 
3. If you have a job, quit. You're going to need to spend a lot of time gathering intel on other League members (intel is a fancy word for gossip).
4. If you have children, and you should, they are always someone else's problem.
5. Learn all the rules to games that old people play, like Bridge. But not Mahjong. 
6. Never eat pie made of feces.
7. Don't forget you're lacy gloves when you go out in public. This way folks won't mistake you for someone who does work.

*Everything I think I know about the Junior League may be derived from "The Help". 

Hope you're ready to be popular!
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
My husband wants to throw out/donate his Aaron, Kacey & Jen's Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire shirt. Granted, we are currently purging and packing for an unexpected move within 1.5 weeks of notification, and we have limited space for storage and things to bring with us. I feel like this shirt is sacred, and shouldn't be shared with anyone asides the Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire (BBBSATE for short), so I don't want it donated. But I can't even FATHOM the thought of throwing it out.

Is this grounds for divorce? How can I make my husband compromise with me so I don't have to leave him for good?

Please help me Jen, you're my only hope!
Kacey (BBBSATE Team Member)

Dear Kacey,

It's an age-old tale..."I thought I knew him. Then we married and he became someone who does not fully appreciate an Aaron, Kacey & Jen's Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire shirt." I blame society. There is just no sanctity in marriage any more. But I have been led to believe that men are good to have around for some things, like killing snakes and remembering to replace batteries in smoke detectors (note to self: it's been 8 years). Plus divorce is expensive and time consuming and it's almost time for the fall TV lineup. So, in effort to save your home from fire, snakes, and an overly full DVR, I suggest wrapping something fragile in the shirt. Like your husband's favorite beer stein. Then the shirt is packing material. It's useful. It's resourceful. It's still in your ownership. 

If this doesn't work, grab the shirt, smash the beer stein, use a shard to cut him and run. You can come back to Florida. We'll dye your hair in the sink at a shady motel. 

♥Jen

Touché Tuesday Advice Column

Need advice from Jen? Fill out this form.

Some people are abominable snowman handed.

Dear Jen, 
You recently posted about having social anxiety and being newly single. I'm in the same boat. How do you meet men?
Sincerely, Scaredy Cat

Dear Scardey,
You have come to the right advice column! I am terrific-wait for it-ly terrible at meeting men. I should probably suggest online dating. I know a lot of people who have had success with it - like they're married to the person they met online success. I tried it once and had to delete my profile. Apparently I only match perfectly with majors (major douche, major potential to become a serial killer, majorly underwent an abominable snowman hand transplant). I'm sure my experience is the exception, not the rule.*

My only real good advice: stop looking. Do your thing. Work toward goals. Treat yo'self. Men will notice your happy and confident glow. Each time I started dating someone, I wasn't looking. A couple guys I dated were friends for a while before we noticed each other as something more. A guy I went to school with knocked on my door 6ish years after graduation and we dated for a bit. The relationship didn't last long but it allows me to tell people who say "you'll never meet someone sitting at home" to shove it. A couple guys followed my MySpace Journal - we connected over a love for writing and eventually dated for a bit. The last guy I dated introduced himself by showing me photos of an event I was involved in. I complimented his photos and then became very blinky and insanely awkward when he tried to chat. For some strange reason, this interested him. Months later we started dating.  

I've been busy filling my new single girl dance cart with goals for my blog and online shop, thoughts of grad school, a new freelance web project and writing contests. Working towards these things is making me happy. Your happiness should never be contingent on another person. Humans will let you down. Do you, Scaredy. Don't worry about the rest. The rest is just a bonus.

*Unless you are killed by a crazy-handed jerk whom you met online. Then I told you so.


What do you think ladies? Any advice for Scaredy Cat? If a dude is actually reading this, weigh in!

That One Time When I Got Dumped and the Economy Was All “You Can’t Afford to Get Over It” So I Made the Internet My Boyfriend

I got dumped this week. One day you’re all dumb and happy and getting gifts of pee strips. Then, before you know it, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

Let me give you the rundown of my dating history. I posted a bunch of horrifying things yesterday, why stop there?

• In kindergarten, a boy kissed me on the shoulder at the cubbies every day. I realize this does not count as a relationship but sometimes I wish things were still that simple. Plus, he was totally the hottest kid in our class. High five!
• My friends set me up with a boy in middle school (I was also in middle school, pervs). We talked on the phone a few times and held hands at a high school football game. Then we just stopped talking to each other. I realize this one doesn’t count either, but this is my blog.
• A boy stood in a tree at my cousin’s house and yelled my name because he was pining (pining – in a tree – lol) for me. This one never had any hope of counting but I couldn’t resist that whole pining thing.
• I started dating someone near the end of high school and spent the next 4.5 years with him. There were lots of ups and downs. After we broke-up, I built a house and didn’t date again for two years.
• I had a short but intense relationship with a guy. After we broke-up, I bought a car and got back into the dating scene rather quickly.
• This time, I wanted to date around a little bit (not synonymous with sleeping around). My personal best:  four dates with four different dudes in one week (one named Forrest – I was willing to change Jen to Jenny, but one date was more than plenty). This period helped me realize that casual dating really wasn’t that much fun and I was no longer interested in dating unless it was with someone who wanted more than a kissy-face movie buddy. Social anxiety + meeting new men all the time = torture.
• Now here I am. Dumped by the one I thought was just right for me. The one I thought was so different from the others. I can’t afford to build another house. I can’t afford to buy another car. I’m definitely a retail therapy kind of girl. Apparently when my heart hurts, it wants to drop some serious dough. But. The economy is peeved and when the economy ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. I do need something else to love though. And that something else is, drumroll please…

The internet! I’m finally going to get my Etsy shop up and running. I have thought about a “Whitfield Awesome” brand for many years now. Time to get it off the ground. I’m also going to get serious about my writing. I’ve wanted to be an author since second grade. No more excuses. And making the internet my boyfriend probably means that you’ll be seeing even more posts here.

Any advice for the brokenhearted? (Unless it's "you'll find someone one day". Single people hate hearing that.)

Touché Tuesdays Advice Column

Need advice from Jen? Fill out this form. 

Dear Jen, I am really excited anxious (in a goodish way) for Friday night. We find out where we are going to live next! I have been jumping up and down around the house singing and dancing "We are going to find out sooon!!!". I know it doesn't help finding out any sooner, but I really, really, REALLY want to know where we are going.

How do you handle the anxiety that comes with wait for (hopefully) good news?!?!?
Sincerely, Ms. Rare

Dear Ms. Rare, Congrats on the early arrival of your (hopefully) good news! I’ll cross my fingers that you’ll get someplace way cool. 

The only way for me to deal with anxiety (good or bad) is to fill my head with so many other things that there is no room for the anxiety. I throw myself into a project or read a really good book or pick a television series to watch from beginning to end and pretend that the characters are my friends. Maybe ignore that last bit.

Try doing things that release those awesome feel good endorphins in your brain like eating chocolate and/or spicy foods, meditating, exercising, getting it on, and having a massage or acupuncture. Stay away from opiates. I don’t care what Eminem says.
♥Jen

Dear Jen, This is Billy again. You told me not to date my cousin. I’m gonna do it anyway. What kind of flowers should I give her?
XOXO, Billy

Dear Billy, There should be no giving or taking of cousin flowers.
♥Jen