Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Cat Lady

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.

Dear Jen, My vet recommended giving my cat regular baths for medical reasons. My usually sweet and cuddly fur baby turns into a ball of claws and teeth every time. Do you have any tips for making bath time easier on both of us? My bleeding arms thank you!
xoxo, Shredded, Milton

Dear Shredded,
I think your vet hates you. Did you go to high school together? Maybe bat your eyes at her boyfriend? 

Have you considered Xanax? How about oven mitts? Bubble wrap? Double-sided tape? A dog?

I'm assuming the medical reasons have to do with a skin condition if baths were suggested. If this is the case, perhaps you can try a cat lotion. DERMagic makes one that relieves skin allergies, dry skin, etc.

Is it actual submersion in water you're seeking or does kitty just need a little help cleaning? If it's the latter, try cat wipes. I use them once in a while with Pip. No, she doesn't run to me with the package of wipes in her mouth begging for a rub down but she doesn't hate them either. I've also seen dry/waterless shampoos for cats. Or maybe a sponge bath will do.

If you must give the cat a bath, play with kitty for a while to tire him/her out a bit and make sure kitty's nails are trimmed. Put a rubber mat in the tub for kitty to claw when stressed and run the water before bringing the cat into the room. Pre-fill a few small buckets for rinsing. You may still want to wear welder's gloves.

I have to tell you that I don't trust vets after an experience I call "Pippi's $1,000 Fart". I don't know what your relationship with your vet is, but I would do a lot of research on the medical condition your cat may have and whether regular baths are proven to help. I might even call other vets and ask their opinion.

♥ Jen

The music is pretty annoying but some of the cats are entertaining:


Pssst. Don't forget that I'm trying to give you things this month. Major people are entering. You want to be major, right?

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Rituals

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.    

Dear Jen, I've been reading up on "lifestyle rituals" and think maybe I need to add some to my life to help keep myself on track. Do you follow any rituals?
All the best, Curious

Dear Curious,
The term "lifestyle rituals" makes me feel weird inside, but let's do this. A few of my rituals that you should definitely adopt probably not adopt for yourself:

• Starting my day rituals:
• After waking up and before getting out of bed, I grab my cell phone off the nightstand and check my email. This is a terrible lifestyle ritual. Don't do it. 
• Next I open Google Reader and check all the new posts of my favorite bloggers. I do this until I can't not urinate. 
• I finally get out of bed, urinate, brush my teeth and turn on the shower. My cat and I have lived together for 9-ish years. So she has watched me take roughly 3,285 showers. She still freaks out. Every. Time.
• After exiting the shower, I sit on my bed and hold the freaked out cat for a few minutes before getting dressed. (I wear a towel - I don't sit around in the buff holding my cat because that would make it weird). 
• Driving rituals: I text, read more posts from my favorite bloggers, check instagram, take photos, put on my makeup, sometimes change my clothes, follow all traffic rules, yell at other drivers and sing really poorly well. These probably don't really count as rituals.
• Work rituals: I spend a lot of time thinking about how great it would be to not have to work and sometimes I do some things. I'm so productive that I don't have time for rituals at work.
• Evening rituals: My evenings are always different depending on what projects I'm working on, how late I stay at work, whether or not my fave shows are new, who is playing live music, etc. They often involve chicken. Wednesdays are different - I go to a Bible study group. We eat a lot of bacon. Again, not rituals. 
• Ending my day rituals: 
• I ask the cat, "ready for nights?" and we both head to the bedroom. Unless I stay up really late, then she goes to the bedroom before me. I still ask "ready for nights" though. 
• I always consider not brushing my teeth before bed. Always. I don't know why and I fully realize it's gross and odd and I always brush my teeth anyway. Always (mostly because dentures give me the wiggins). 
• I always think about removing my makeup and applying a night-time moisturizer before I bed. I never do either of these things.
• Rarely, because I'm dumb, Sometimes I remember to take my pill that helps me breathe because I'm too lame to just do that completely natural thing that keeps us alive. Mostly Other times I wake up a lot needing my inhaler. 
• Weekend rituals: 
• I don't sleep late but I always stay in bed for a really long time on Saturday mornings.
• Sunday is church day. I go to there.
• I visit my parents and siblings. I live very close to my parents and siblings so this is no bigs, just the way it usually turns out. 

I feel like this answer went downhill really fast and now I owe you a present or something. But you made me tell the internet about the rather odd relationship I have with my cat. So we're even.

♥Jen

Do you, readers, have any rituals?

Pssst. Don't forget that I'm trying to give you things this month. Major people are entering. You want to be major, right?

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Japan and Cat Urine

Need advice from Jen? Fill out this form. 

Dear Jen, 
Hey there, it's me again! I'm having a hard time coming up with a blog name for my secondary blog (travel/moving/military/japanese). I am also keeping my current food blog active, www.kaceyskitchen.com - Do you or your readers have any suggestions for my Okinawa Adventure Blog? (Without using "Okinawa Adventure Blog")
Sincerely, Kacey

Dear Kacey,
I’m very excited for your upcoming Okinawa adventure blog and happy to hear that Kacey’s Kitchen will keep on keeping on. I see a few naming options for your new blog…

1. If you want to be theme-y with your blogging pursuits, consider something like Kacey’s Okinawa to go along with Kacey’s Kitchen. [Or Kacey’s Turning Japanese or Kacey’s Not in America Anymore or Kacey’s Blog About Living in Japan That Makes Jen Super Jealous.]
2. If alliteration is what you crave, consider something like Kacey’s Kibun – Kibun is Japanese for mood! [Or Kacey’s Kami (Japanese for paper) or Kacey Karui (Japanese for light) or Kacey’s Kuso (Japanese for s**t).] 
3. If numbers and SEO are what you’re after, consider something like American Military Wife In Japan (yea, that’s still available, what?).  [Or Getting Horny In Japan cause that will get you tons of unique visitors for sure. Boom, I just increased my pageviews.]

Yes, I realize that you should only give folks 3 options, but really, probably less than three of these are viable.
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
My cat just started...um...'missing' the litter box. She doesn't do this all the time, and I keep the box in our spare bathroom/bathtub...so it isn't a huge deal right now, but if we move...it might have to go someplace else.

I thought it might have been some sort of urinary or kidney infection...but the samples sent to the vet cleared her of anything physical. I have also tried new litter and removing the cover off the litter box, and that worked for a while, but not anymore.

I know your not officially a vet or anything, but thought I'd take a chance and see if your little furry creature has ever acted like this, or you have other suggestions.
Do you think she feels rushed? Should I put on some music and candles for her? What about getting her a subscription to Cat Fancy?
Frustrated, Tinkles

Dear Tinkles,
I definitely think music, candles and Cat Fancy are worth a try! Especially if you will send me pictures. I might also try a bigger box. And if that doesn’t work, two boxes. My sister’s cat likes to go number one in one box and number two in the other. Maybe your kitty has decided that’s the way to go (pun intended!).

I have not dealt with this problem with my dear Pippi cat, but I know (in the I don’t actually know sort of way) a blogger who has dealt with this problem with his dear Pantaloons cat. Check out this post from Thoughts from Paris (Paris is his last name; he does not live in France).
♥Jen

Not as dead as she looks.

Do you have any suggestions for Kacey or Tinkles? 

Touché Tuesdays: Eat It Before It Eats You

This is the second iteration of Touché Tuesdays, the Whitfield Awesome advice column. The first iteration included made up questions. The following questions were submitted by not me. Things are getting real, y’all.  Need advice? Fill out this form.

Dear Jen, One of my biggest fears is dying in my house and no one finding me until after my cat has started to eat my decomposing body. You seem to be a crazy cat lady, so I wonder if you have the same fear? Is there anything I can do to prevent my cat from eating me?

All the best, I’m not Cat Food, Kennelsville, Kentucky

Dear I’m Not Cat Food,

I discussed this very subject with another single-person household cat owner a couple years ago. We agreed to check on one another should one of us disappear for a few days with no word. Maybe you could set up a similar arrangement with a friend. If you keep your cat fed, it shouldn’t eat you in this short amount of time. Of course the only way to be sure the cat won’t eat you, is to eat it first.*

♥Jen

Dear Jen, I accidentally cut my index finger off making breakfast this morning, it hurts a lot and there's a lot of blood. I really want to finish watching my tv show, and have no way to record it. But I'm getting dizzy. What should I do?

Hurry, Digitless, Bobo, Alabama

Dear Digitless,
The following questions may help you decide between watching TV and saving your finger: Is this one of  my favorite fingers? How I often do I really use this particular finger? Have I seen this episode before? Is this show in syndication? Does this show normally include scenarios that are funny/dramatic/scary/informative enough to make me feel better about being inappropriately fingered  being abnormally fingered  not having  the usual amount of fingers?  

♥ Jen

Note: I’m terribly sorry but I only answer questions on Tuesdays. If you may lose part of your body waiting on an answer, please seek advice elsewhere.

Dear Jen, Based on your blog, you seem to be a girl with many passions and talents. Are there any superhuman skills that you wish to possess?

XOXO, SuperSally, Krypton

Dear SuperSally,

Why thank you, SuperSally. And yes! I do wish to possess superhuman skills. The obvious ones, like, the ability to be multiple places at once, the ability to freeze time and superhuman speed so as to get all my projects done. I would also love to be able to paint in my sleep (ultimate dream journal!), instantly be good at everything and vomit gasoline without any negative side effects.

♥ Jen

Dear Jen, I have a friend (who lives over 1,000 miles away) who asks my opinion on EVERYTHING and ANYTHING nearly every day. Here are some examples:
"Do you think I could be pregnant?" - How the heck am I supposed to know???
"Where can I find xxxx in the grocery store?" - Um...I don't shop there remember, I live 1,000+miles away. Maybe ask someone that works there.
"Can you google xxxx for me and tell me how to do it?" - What?!?! Use your own computer.
Of course, I don't say the exact things I'm thinking, but it's getting to the point where I'm ready to snap. I feel like she's sucking the life out of me. As if I don't have my own items to find in the grocery store or my own questions to google. Do you think I should just wait until she pushes me over the edge and flip out on her, telling her exactly WHERE she can find the answer, or should I just end the friendship. It's gonna be one or the other.

Frustrated, Not taking 2am stupid phone calls, Hellhole, Idaho

Dear Frustrated,

 If I didn’t know how to properly use the word literally, I would say that I literally feel you, dawg. I was once in an eerily similar situation. The difference was that my friend and I lived in the same town - not only was I expected to be her own personal Ask Jeeves, I was also expected to spend every waking minute with her [and other things that I will not discuss here]. I answered all the questions and spent a crazy amount of minutes with her – basically rewarding bad behavior. (Warning: this is about to get real serious.) I wish I had discussed my frustrations with my friend early on. I let the behavior continue until I was ready to snap. I started ignoring her, avoiding the barrage of texts and not returning phone calls. This was unfair to both of us. When I finally came clean about my feelings, her response was not at all what I expected and certainly not what I needed to convince me that a continued friendship was in our future. Had I been honest from the beginning, we might still be friends today. So my advice is to discuss your frustrations with your friend. It may cause you to lose her but it sounds like you are almost to that point anyway. If you have that discussion, at least you will have tried.   

♥ Jen

*I don’t really condone the eating of cats. BUT. If cats were the only nourishment left in the world, would I eat them. Duh. Yes. I mean, if you really think about, how different is it from eating cow, pig, chicken, etc?