Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Love & The Junior League

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Dear Jen,
It's me, Billy, again. It's been a long time since I asked you for advice about dating my cousin. Now that you have had some time to think about it, have you changed your mind at all?
Love, Billy

Dear Billy,
Stop. Seriously. Our kids would have extra arms. No.
See you at Grannies, ♥Jen

Dear Jen,
I recently moved to a new town and joined the Junior League in an effort to make new friends. My first meeting is next week. I'm excited but a little scared. Do you have any tips on fitting in?
All the best, New In Town

Dear NIT,
Boy did you come to the right advice column! I have Junior League* written all over me.

1. Always wear pearls. Even in the shower (bathe in water that hasn't dripped off pearls, pfft).
2. Lean against walls and smoke cigarettes. You will look cool and carefree. Plus the wall will help hold you up since all you eat now is nicotine. 
3. If you have a job, quit. You're going to need to spend a lot of time gathering intel on other League members (intel is a fancy word for gossip).
4. If you have children, and you should, they are always someone else's problem.
5. Learn all the rules to games that old people play, like Bridge. But not Mahjong. 
6. Never eat pie made of feces.
7. Don't forget you're lacy gloves when you go out in public. This way folks won't mistake you for someone who does work.

*Everything I think I know about the Junior League may be derived from "The Help". 

Hope you're ready to be popular!
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
My husband wants to throw out/donate his Aaron, Kacey & Jen's Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire shirt. Granted, we are currently purging and packing for an unexpected move within 1.5 weeks of notification, and we have limited space for storage and things to bring with us. I feel like this shirt is sacred, and shouldn't be shared with anyone asides the Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire (BBBSATE for short), so I don't want it donated. But I can't even FATHOM the thought of throwing it out.

Is this grounds for divorce? How can I make my husband compromise with me so I don't have to leave him for good?

Please help me Jen, you're my only hope!
Kacey (BBBSATE Team Member)

Dear Kacey,

It's an age-old tale..."I thought I knew him. Then we married and he became someone who does not fully appreciate an Aaron, Kacey & Jen's Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire shirt." I blame society. There is just no sanctity in marriage any more. But I have been led to believe that men are good to have around for some things, like killing snakes and remembering to replace batteries in smoke detectors (note to self: it's been 8 years). Plus divorce is expensive and time consuming and it's almost time for the fall TV lineup. So, in effort to save your home from fire, snakes, and an overly full DVR, I suggest wrapping something fragile in the shirt. Like your husband's favorite beer stein. Then the shirt is packing material. It's useful. It's resourceful. It's still in your ownership. 

If this doesn't work, grab the shirt, smash the beer stein, use a shard to cut him and run. You can come back to Florida. We'll dye your hair in the sink at a shady motel. 

♥Jen

Touché Tuesdays: Eat It Before It Eats You

This is the second iteration of Touché Tuesdays, the Whitfield Awesome advice column. The first iteration included made up questions. The following questions were submitted by not me. Things are getting real, y’all.  Need advice? Fill out this form.

Dear Jen, One of my biggest fears is dying in my house and no one finding me until after my cat has started to eat my decomposing body. You seem to be a crazy cat lady, so I wonder if you have the same fear? Is there anything I can do to prevent my cat from eating me?

All the best, I’m not Cat Food, Kennelsville, Kentucky

Dear I’m Not Cat Food,

I discussed this very subject with another single-person household cat owner a couple years ago. We agreed to check on one another should one of us disappear for a few days with no word. Maybe you could set up a similar arrangement with a friend. If you keep your cat fed, it shouldn’t eat you in this short amount of time. Of course the only way to be sure the cat won’t eat you, is to eat it first.*

♥Jen

Dear Jen, I accidentally cut my index finger off making breakfast this morning, it hurts a lot and there's a lot of blood. I really want to finish watching my tv show, and have no way to record it. But I'm getting dizzy. What should I do?

Hurry, Digitless, Bobo, Alabama

Dear Digitless,
The following questions may help you decide between watching TV and saving your finger: Is this one of  my favorite fingers? How I often do I really use this particular finger? Have I seen this episode before? Is this show in syndication? Does this show normally include scenarios that are funny/dramatic/scary/informative enough to make me feel better about being inappropriately fingered  being abnormally fingered  not having  the usual amount of fingers?  

♥ Jen

Note: I’m terribly sorry but I only answer questions on Tuesdays. If you may lose part of your body waiting on an answer, please seek advice elsewhere.

Dear Jen, Based on your blog, you seem to be a girl with many passions and talents. Are there any superhuman skills that you wish to possess?

XOXO, SuperSally, Krypton

Dear SuperSally,

Why thank you, SuperSally. And yes! I do wish to possess superhuman skills. The obvious ones, like, the ability to be multiple places at once, the ability to freeze time and superhuman speed so as to get all my projects done. I would also love to be able to paint in my sleep (ultimate dream journal!), instantly be good at everything and vomit gasoline without any negative side effects.

♥ Jen

Dear Jen, I have a friend (who lives over 1,000 miles away) who asks my opinion on EVERYTHING and ANYTHING nearly every day. Here are some examples:
"Do you think I could be pregnant?" - How the heck am I supposed to know???
"Where can I find xxxx in the grocery store?" - Um...I don't shop there remember, I live 1,000+miles away. Maybe ask someone that works there.
"Can you google xxxx for me and tell me how to do it?" - What?!?! Use your own computer.
Of course, I don't say the exact things I'm thinking, but it's getting to the point where I'm ready to snap. I feel like she's sucking the life out of me. As if I don't have my own items to find in the grocery store or my own questions to google. Do you think I should just wait until she pushes me over the edge and flip out on her, telling her exactly WHERE she can find the answer, or should I just end the friendship. It's gonna be one or the other.

Frustrated, Not taking 2am stupid phone calls, Hellhole, Idaho

Dear Frustrated,

 If I didn’t know how to properly use the word literally, I would say that I literally feel you, dawg. I was once in an eerily similar situation. The difference was that my friend and I lived in the same town - not only was I expected to be her own personal Ask Jeeves, I was also expected to spend every waking minute with her [and other things that I will not discuss here]. I answered all the questions and spent a crazy amount of minutes with her – basically rewarding bad behavior. (Warning: this is about to get real serious.) I wish I had discussed my frustrations with my friend early on. I let the behavior continue until I was ready to snap. I started ignoring her, avoiding the barrage of texts and not returning phone calls. This was unfair to both of us. When I finally came clean about my feelings, her response was not at all what I expected and certainly not what I needed to convince me that a continued friendship was in our future. Had I been honest from the beginning, we might still be friends today. So my advice is to discuss your frustrations with your friend. It may cause you to lose her but it sounds like you are almost to that point anyway. If you have that discussion, at least you will have tried.   

♥ Jen

*I don’t really condone the eating of cats. BUT. If cats were the only nourishment left in the world, would I eat them. Duh. Yes. I mean, if you really think about, how different is it from eating cow, pig, chicken, etc?