Friday, August 23, 2013

Safety first, y'all.


Let's recap. I'm the chick who falls down stairs, gets second degree burns from a curling iron, breaks her tailbone during the first week of roller derby practice, checks boiling pasta with her fingers and almost burnt down that one apartment. My middle name used to be "Safety" but a judge made me change it. 

Because I have only been at my current job for one year and they don't know any better am a pillar of excellence, my boss appointed me safety coach for our department. Safety. Coach. After a few training sessions, I will be responsible for things like locating fire extinguishers, ridding the community fridge of toxic mold, making sure our environment is hazard-less and reminding smokers that we are smoke-free (because that won't get me punched in the throat).

AND drills. Surprise fire drills. 

I am nothing if not thorough. I have decided to implement my own additional surprise drills: 

  • Tornado Drill: Run screaming into a coworker's office tossing two-by-fours wildly about. Make sure you mess up some stuff. Leave.
  • Hurricane drill: Choose a coworker target, stand far away and stare at them. Move slowly in their direction. Suddenly turn and run into another coworker and blow all over them. Leave slowly. 
  • Crazy MoFo Drill: Hide in a coworkers office. Wait until they are in the zone, slowly rise up behind them holding dandelions. Include pee if you want.
  • Hipster Drill: Speak incessantly of fake bands. Hit any coworkers who pretend to know the bands with your smelly, floppy hat. Don't leave. Just stay and stay and stay in your stupid pants.
  • Anthony Weiner Drill: Oh who am I kidding? We perform this drill so often already that it's a wonder we get any work done. Hiyo.

No one cares for you as much as you care for you. Except your safety coach. If your office does not have a safety coach, appoint yourself. Because safety first, y'all. Feel free to use my ideas.

Don't be surprised if my next post is about being appointed Vice President.

11 comments:

  1. Hahah! This is hilarious. I wish I worked in your office. I would so ask to be appointed your Saftey Assistant Coach!

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    1. You know what they say, "a safety coach is only as good as his or her assistant safety coach". Or maybe they say "let's beat them both up". One of those.

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  2. Oh man, I was a member of the safety committee back in the day when I worked for a newspaper. I was so freaking good at it that everyone hated me. I learned that skill back in 4th grade when I was assigned to Safety Patrol. Basically, they picked the un-cool kid with glasses cause they knew she would only say "YES" to please the teacher...only to have her stand in the middle of the hallway with a reflective sash and yell at kids to slow down and walk don't run as school was let out and they made their way to buses. Basically I'm lucky I survived the physical abuse of being trampled every afternoon, never mind the emotional abuse of everyone purposely bumping into me, yelling at me, and hating me. I knew how to make friends even then...

    True story.

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    1. Sounds like good training for your derby life as well!

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  3. I wish that you were my Safety Officer. Ours insists on doing things like "talking about workplace hazards" and "assessing our safety protocols".

    Can I also suggest a Zombie Apocalypse Drill? That's important schizz, yo.

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    1. Yessss, Zombie Apocalypse Drill! You should issue the safety officer version of pack master challenge at your workplace as you are obviously better suited for the job.

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  4. What about the "Cute Guy from Accounting" where you make sure you didn't tuck your skirt into your pantyhose drill?

    or

    The "Evacuate the floor (and no laughing) because Copier guy's got plumbers crack" drill

    or (my fav)

    "Let's test this entire 1/2 lb. bag of Dark Chocolate Peanut M&Ms to make sure they're still good to eat for an emergency" drill

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  5. Oh! And eat M&Ms with a friend so you don't choke if you try to funnel the entire bag like that Japanese eating dude. (Safety first)

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    1. To be clear, I don't have to share the M&Ms with said friend, right?

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  6. The irony of life! But how are you doing as a safety coach? Maybe this signals the turning point in your life. You've experienced certain mishaps firsthand, which makes you the most compassionate person for the job. You'd be an effective advocate of safety at work! Nail it, Jen! \m/

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    1. I haven't completed all of my training yet, but lots of people in my life have gotten a good laugh upon hearing my appointment. Success!

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