Sunday, August 26, 2012

Obsession Confession Sunday: Hurricane Isaac Edition

5 Things That Currently Make Me Feel Like I'm Part of the Zombie Apocalypse Thanks to Hurricane Isaac:

  1. Boarded up windows. I like to think of it as "condemned chic".
  2. Vienna Sausage emergency kit. Fun hurricane fact: I was supposed to spend my 26th birthday in Key West but I spent it at home playing slip-n-slide and eating Vienna Sausages instead. Why? Hurricane Dennis. No power. No open stores or restaurants. No gas.
  3. Gasoline hoarding. It's already running out and I have two days of a 52-mile round trip for work before the storm even gets here.  
  4. Empty shelves. I went to WalMart for a few things last night. They were almost out of toilet paper. And people were grabbing water and batteries like nobody's business. Another fun hurricane fact: I've visited WalMart at gunpoint! After Hurricane Ivan, soldiers stood inside/outside before power was restored, with guns, to control folks. 
  5. I could really go for a smoothie.
P.S. A lady in a cave once told me that it would take a very short time for a human to go mad in complete darkness. As I sit here in the dark, windows boarded tight for the third time in the eight years since I built my house, I believe you, Cave Lady, I believe you.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Foodies!

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.  

Dear Jen,
I've recently moved and have officially been homeless for the past few weeks and have practically been eating out for every meal. I've finally signed a lease and now I finally get to cook a real meal!

My question for you is, if you ate out for a month straight, and finally had the opportunity to cook, what would you make?

All the Best, Homecookin' Betty

Dear Betty,
I tend to start feeling a little greasy when I eat out too much. Or don't wash my hair. Which of course I'd never not do. So I think I'd want something really clean/fresh tasting. Salad! 

Okay, no one believes that I want salad. Salad is just something people who don't like food say. Maybe a flaky white fish with a lime sauce. And cheese grits. And raw spinach. And sliced tomatoes (alone, not with the spinach - that's salad, which we have already determined is dumb). And red velvet cake. Also, my new favorite thing is tomato butter. You should probably work that in somewhere in your first days back in the kitchen. 

Dear Jen,
I can't stop eating cheese. Can you help?
Full but need another slice, Cheeserston

Dear Cheeser,
Maybe adding maggots or stuffing it inside the stomach of a goat would help. Like these folks...


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I have to laugh or someone* is going to lose an eye

This is a continuation of Dude, Where's My Ex-Boyfriend? Also, devil book. Read it first.

Oh. Y'all. When I said I'd keep you posted on how I manage to embarrass myself and whether or not I follow the advice of the mysterious fortune, I had no idea to what extent I would embarrass myself. Seriously, my life should be a television show. These things don't happen to real people. Am I Truman? Is this all a set-up? Cause I'd rather have the manicured lawn version.

Also, I didn't follow the fortune. Way too sensitive. And dumb. So, so dumb. I mean, I'm still awesome. But very dumb. 

I expected to fall down or lose an article of clothing as these are the sorts of things that usually happen to me. I guess if I'm honest, these things aren't really embarrassing any more. I didn't expect to be so dumb though. I'll spare you the gory details. Just know that there is apparently more than one way to interpret the statement "I want to be a couple again soon." And I did it wrong. 

To help keep you fine readers from making the same mistake and crying at your desk AGAIN like the big weepy freak that you are, here are a few tips on using the statement "I want to be a couple again soon" correctly:
  1. If you are the one making this statement to your former flame and you mean that you want to be a couple again soon with someone else, not your former flame, don't use the word "again", it's misleading   don't pair it with "I miss you" or "I am a stupid idiot" - it's misleading  STOP and never ever say this to your former flame for any reason.
  2. If you are the one hearing the statement from your former flame, stop listening.  
  3. If you do want to be a couple again soon with your former flame, not someone else, go ahead. Say it. Just like that. Cause "I want to be a couple again soon" freaking means that you want to be a couple again soon. 
Pictured: The North Floridian Dodo.

*Don't worry, by "someone" I totally mean someone else, not you.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Touché Tuesday Advice: Man Dumb

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.  

Ooh Foxy Lady

Dear Jen,
Why are men so dumb? I mean they are pretty nice most of the time, but every once and a while they just do dumb, dumb stuff. I did some dumb stuff. And I'm a guy. I broke up with my ex and that was totally dumb. I know, right? I realize now that she's really awesome. What's the best way to let her know that? (She happens to read this blog, so I'm hoping you answer this personally, and not one of your hundreds of interns or your cat.)
Dick Dickerson, Doucher IL

Dear Dick,
I honestly do not know why men are so dumb. Maybe that is what makes them able to kill snakes and remember stupid things like renewing license plate tags. I need snakes killed and tags renewed. Leave the dumb men be, would ya?

If your ex reads this blog, then yes, breaking up with her was totally dumb. She is obviously smart and funny and kind and beautiful and a snappy dresser and well read.* All WhitfieldAwesomeites (not to be confused with sodomites) are. Except Billy. 

Girls tend to be sensitive creatures, even the tough ones. A very simple gesture can go a long way with them. Like daily skywriting or tattooing her name on your forehead. If that's too tame for you, maybe just tell her how awesome she is and that you know you did some dumb stuff and you want to make things right if she'll give you a chance. I know, scary. She may be timid and take some coaxing. She may still remember how the dumb stuff made her feel and she'll want to be reassured that it won't happen again. Give her time. Try enticing her from under the couch with a laser or treats.  

Girls also know nothing about sports - they usually only give two strikes instead of the five allowed in that game with the stick and the ball and the squares that people run to. So try and keep the dumb to a minimum if she allows you to bask in her awesomeness again.

Intern #263 The Cat Jen

*I bet Natalie Merchant thinks she's fine, so well-bred. The perfect girl, a social deb. She's the sort that you've always thought could make, could make you what you're not. She's smart, so well-read. There are books, there are novels by her bed. She is the sort that you've always said could satisfy your head. But her frikking voice, her voice better not be reminding you of the promises, the little white lies, too. And NEVER, tell me, while she's touching you, just by mistake, you accidentally say Natalie Merchant's name. Just a guess. 

Any advice for this guy, dear readers?

Monday, August 13, 2012

Dude, Where's My Ex-Boyfriend? Also, devil book.

Last night, not long before the hours when nothing good happens, my most recent ex-boyfriend texted me. We had our first textersation (or communication of any kind) since the breakup (3+ months ago). We made jokes. We made serious comments. Then we made plans for lunch today. He volunteered to let me dump beverages on him and take photos for the blog, which I'm totally gonna do I won't do because I'm crazy mature.

As I was getting in the car to head to work this morning, I noticed a fortune in front of the driver's seat. I always never ever eat Chinese food while driving so I couldn't imagine where it came from. It, the random fortune I found in my car on the day that I am going to see my most recent ex-boyfriend for the first time since we ended, read "Be sensitive, but not overly sensitive." I've truly never seen this fortune before. It just showed up this morning all applicable and junk. 

My car isn't made of marble.

I do not believe in fortunes or psychics or any of that jazz. In fact, I like to prove them wrong. "Oh yeah? I'll be lucky in love on the 15th? Well it's the 15th, I just hit on that cute guy in the free clinic and he stabbed me in the appendix. How do you like them apples Gloria VanderbiltMrs. Cleo? Worth it." But this little fortune seems to be offering some pretty good advice. And freaking me out a little, of course. (Though not like the time that devil book told me my ideal career was in web design, which I was already making a career in.)

I'll keep you posted on how I manage to embarrass myself during lunch and whether or not I follow the advice of the mysterious fortune. (If I learned one thing from Twilight fine literature, it's that romantic intrigue hooks readers. Um, check.)

*Glorida Vanderbilt makes tapered leg jeans. She is not a psychic. Her name just rolls off the tongue so nicely behind "how do you like them apples".

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Don't You Forget About Me Part Deux

Hey kids! Have you signed up for the Digital Quilt Project in which you choose a word or phrase and I send you an illustration yet (more details)? No?!? Use this form to sign up. 

Check out the latest illustrations below (see all of them here). If y'all don't get to signing up, I'm going to have a very small quilt. Then I will freeze to death. Do you want that on your conscience? You'll have to start checking that "I dun killed sumbodee" box on job applications. It's gonna be a whole thing. Might as well avoid it.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

How Not to Tan (Alt title: Nekked Church Chat)

(Alternate Alternate Title: A Special Summertime Embarrassing Moment)

Take a look at a white person. If you are white, this will be really easy. Now, look at a part of that white person that the sun doesn't touch. You may want to use the solar eclipse pinhole method so you don't burn your retina. This is the color of my entire body. Plus freckles. 

Folks [who don't know me in "real life"] often assume that I am tan because I live in Florida. These folks are very wrong. My super fair skin was the target of choice for many a mean girl in school. For a long time, it really bothered me. I wore pants. In Florida. During the summer. 

In late teenhood, I got hip to self-tanner. My top 3 issues back then: (1) it stank; (2) it washed off while swimming; (3) no two parts of my body ever matched. Self-tanner has improved a bit over the years. My issue now: it still washes off while swimming. Come on tan scientists. Make it work.

Anywho. Somewhat recently, I was to be a bridesmaid. Always the bridesmaid, never a book contract. The bride had a spray tanning party which I refused to take part in. Until I saw everyone else looking gorgeous and bronze. The party was an in-home, get naked in a tent sort of thing. There were two sprayers - one male and one female. The other bridesmaids did not want to get naked in front of the male sprayer. I figured he was like a gyno - you see enough whosy-whatsits, they stop phasing you. So the bride and I were sprayed (separately) by Mr. Tan. 

As I was standing in all my glory, Mr. Tan said, "Spread your legs a little wider. Oh, by-the-way, you go to church with my brother." Boom. Boom. Pow. He then proceeded to ask questions about church. I had on pasties, y'all. Jesus chat + exposed lady bits = no. Sorry.

To top it all off, the tan started to peel in odd patterns before the wedding. I had to use Sally Hensen spray hose. All over. I may have looked like parts of me were made of plastic. Plastic that was melting on my dress. 

Your turn. Tell us about the weirdest position you've ever been in when questioned by a stranger.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Creativity

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form. 

Dear Jen, 
I'm in a creative rut. Help!
XOXO, Blah

Dear Blah,
It's too bad you aren't in a literal rut. I could totally get you out of that. Consider giving the following a go:
  • Remember in Garden State when No one remembers Garden State, but, Natalie Portman's character has a completely original moment. It's also completely awkward. But perhaps if you have one, you'll feel creatively charged. 
  • Follow Austin Kleon's advice and Steal Like an Artist (book) or Steal Like a Writer (video). (Triva: I read his book, Newspaper Blackout, in an actual blackout. Whoa.)
  • Rediscover childhood creativity - color, play with Play-Doh, build something with legos...
  • Try something different from what you normally do creatively. For example, if you are a knitter, try an activity not made for grandmothers painting*. 
*Just kidding. I wish I knew how to knit. 


I challenge everyone to have a completely original moment. Feel free to be weird all up in the internet and post a link to your completely original moment video!

Here's how Natalie Portman and Zach Braff did it:

Here's  how I did it. 

Your turn. Come on. What are you? Shy? Don't you want to be remembered as the one gal/guy who ever did this?

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Obsession Confession Sunday: Olympics Edition

5 Olympics-Related Things I'm Currently Obsessed With:
  1. Nathan Adrian's abs.
  2. Michael Phels' abs.
  3. Cullen Jones' abs.
  4. Ryan Lochte's abs.
  5. Kerri Strug. I remember watching THE moment in 1996. I was 15. I've watched it three times since the 2012 Olympics began. I cry like a pregnant lady at a kitten massacre every. single. time.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Featurette Friday: Next Time on Project Runway

Today was a sad day for Browncoats. Or at least the ones that follow The Bloggess. Or at least me. Even sadder than the moment I admitted to myself that Castle kind of sucks. Nathan Fillion refused to hold twine. (Don't know what that means? Read this.) In response, I not only held twine, I made a shirt out of it. But I probably have a lot of time on my hands, not being famous and all. 

I understand the point Mal Capitan Hammer the super serious about his craft actor, Nathan Fillion was trying to make. But. He should have said it a little differently. It should have been less "I'm an ACTOR"-y. It shouldn't have started with "sigh". And the gardener should have been left out of it. I would have preferred no response. Then I could continue to pretend that he hadn't noticed all the calls for a twine photo. He does have 1.3+ million Twitter followers after all. I could remain convinced that he was a cool guy with a great sense of humor and would totally hold twine. Thanks a lot ugly truth.

Wouldn't it be great if Project Runway did a twine challenge and invited The Bloggess and Nathan Fillion as guest judges? The only acceptable answer here is yes. I think it'd go a little something like this:

(This video also stars Sofia Vergara, the scarf, made by reader Veronika O.'s aunt!)

In related observations, it seems to all trickle down. Nathan Fillion ignores The Bloggess. The Bloggess ignores me. (Except when I have a dead weasel for her.) Zero response to twine shirt. I may still be sore about the girl with mascara on her face. Maybe one day I'll be famous enough to ignore someone. Should that day come, and you are still reading, call me out. Don't let me get away with that ish.