Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Week O' Ween: The Happy

Happy Halloween! What are you dressing up as this year?
Let's all get out there and not be slutty anything. Oh who am I kidding? I wasn't wearing pants when this photo was taken.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Week O' Ween: Touché Tuesday Advice Column

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form   

I saved up your spookiest questions for the Week O' Ween edition of Touché Tuesday, y'all. 

Ghosts of Milton - Is that a chicken foot or are you just happy to see me?

Dear Jen,
I figured out where you live. Sometimes I watch you through your windows. How do you like them apples?
Love, Tom

Dear Tom,

Please let me know if any of the moles on my back change. I can't see those.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,

I think my house is haunted. What do I do?!?
Help, Scared Almost to Death

Dear Scared,

Gather the following items: salt, a crucifix, a flashlight and extra batteries, Ghostbusters 1 on DVD, an EMF detector, a lighter, snacks, a Bible and a ball. Then move to a new house - dang, girl.
 ♥ Jen

Dear Jen,

I hear voices inside my head. Not like my conscience - voices that don't belong to me. I don't mind them most of the time but sometimes they ask me to do things I'm uncomfortable with. Do you have any tips for getting rid of them? 
All the Best, Insane in the Membrane

Dear Insane,
Voices in your head - mind them. That's funny. What were we talking about?

Monday, October 22, 2012

Dating a beef steak, ah yeah!

Last week I was gchatting with the most recent ex because omg I still do that what's wrong with me and we were talking about steak cooked in water. Let's all just go ahead and agree: that sounds awful. He swears it's life-changingly good. 

We got to comparing steaks to boyfriends (as in boyfriends for me - he still swims in the lady pond). He trying to convince me that steak is better than a man with the "steaks don't argue" and the "steaks will always be there for you in your time of need". Me trying to convince him that steaks are exactly like a man with the "steaks are often cold in the middle" and the "steaks never hear anything you say"

Of course, in an effort to prove myself right, I dated a steak. I did it for all the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me. Sort of. Mostly I did it because I needed a stupid good prompt and I like proving myself right.* 

Let's do this: (Because I used part of an Avett Bros song, YouTube will not allow this vid to be viewed on a mobile device. I understand. Surely everyone thinks I wrote and performed the song. Until I find a YouTube approved song that works as perfectly with this video as the AB song, please view on a computer. Like people did in the olden days. Thank you.)

*Yes, I realize that dating a steak proves something else entirely.

P.S. YouTube informs me that I am now approved to upload videos up to 15 minutes long. Blame them for the future.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Obsession Confession Sunday: Candy Edition

It's almost national eat candy until you barf day and here are 5 candies I'm currently obsessed with:

  1. Godiva Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Bar: it's savory and sweet. And Godiva. That's really all you need to know.
  2. Peanut Butter M&Ms - my favorite no fuss, no muss candy. For casual days.
  3. Russell Stover Cream Filled: If I ever saw a box of strawberry cream filled only for sale, I'd buy my weight in them and hide in a cave until I needed more. So, for like an hour.
  4. Lindt Pistachio: I usually don't like milk chocolate, but when it's filled with white almond creme and a whole pistachio, I can get down with it.
  5. Lindt White Coconut: I pretty much love anything and everything with coconut in it. And white chocolate is one of my favorite types of chocolate. I miss Nestle's Alpine White Bar every. day. of. my. life.
Tell me about your faves. Then go forth and eat.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Quick Fire

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form   

So MSN had Caroline Manzo answer nine of YOUR toughest questions. Probably because they couldn't get me on the phone. I never answer the phone unless it's a cute boy or a peanut butter M&M for life contest winner announcer. Plus, MSN, you really need to start using email.

My answers to Caroline's questions...

Dear Jen,
How do I handle a mean girl at work?
Love, Wimpy

Dear Wimpy,
You really shouldn't be handling girls at work. They'll get you on sexual harrassment.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
How do I know if my pre-wedding jitters are normal or a sign I should call the whole thing off?
Love, Scared

Dear Scared,
I'm pretty sure everyone who has ever gotten married had pre-wedding jitters. Quite frankly, I'm tired of hearing about them. Write me when have better jitters. Like I'm about to start raising 465 guinea fowl jitters.

Dear Jen,
How do I ask my boss for a raise?
Love, Underpaid

Dear Underpaid,
With one eye closed and biting down on a stick. 

Dear Jen, 
How can I be supportive of both my parents during a divorce without taking sides?
Love, Torn

Dear Torn,
Are you kidding. Take sides! Both of them. 3 words: double Christmas presents.

Dear Jen,
How can I get my husband to be more romantic?
Love, Wanting More

Dear Wanting More,
By refusing to have sex with him. I think your husband submitted a question to my column: "My wife hasn't caught on to the whole withholding sex thing. How did I get so lucky (pun intended)?"
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
How can I learn to feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin?
Love, Insecure

Dear Insecure,
Great. Now I'm thinking of you with no skin. Thanks. 

Dear Jen,
I'm terrified of dating after my divorce. How do I get back out there?
Love, Single Again

Dear Single,
I may not be the best person to ask about this. Exhibit A: this post.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
I'm falling in love with my close male friend. Should I tell him how I feel?
♥ Lova

Dear Lova,
Do you want to be the next person asking about pre-wedding jitters and unromantic husbands and dating after divorces? Then no. 
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
My parents won't stop nagging me about getting married - how can I politely tell them to butt out?
Love, Single For the First Time

Dear Firsty,
Like this: "Hey guy, butt out."

If for some reason you really want to read Caroline's answers, gotohere.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Obsession Confession Sunday: Video Killed the Radio Star

5 Videos I'm Currently Obsessesed With:

One of my fave Supernatural moments.

I sorta have a huge girl crush on Melissa McCarthy.

I want to be Meow Meow Music Episode 3 when I grow up.

What do you think Winona Ryder is doing right now?

Lastly and most PG-13-ly, the JGL SNL opener. That's not a monologue.  
(If you are reading this in Google Reader, for some reason this vid doesn't like to show up there. Lame.)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Asian-Corgi-Honor Student

An Asian friend (why's he gotta be Asian - cause that's an integral part of the story) recently noted that he had spotted a "my Corgi is smarter than your honor student" bumper sticker. His response to this quip: "yeah well, I'm Asian. I eat your Corgi."

I made the game, Asian-Corgi-Honor Student in his honor. It's like rock-paper-scissors with flash cards. Feel free to print and play for hours on end.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Immunize me for everything a dirty crackhead might have. Please.

Today's story is brought to you by crack rock, the letter X and Target!

I hightailed it to Target during lunch today as I HAD to have lip butter, deodorant, 9V batteries and salmon dip. You know, the usge. 

While waiting in line to check out, the woman in front of me, whom I'm fairly certain was a crackhead, dropped a wad of cash. And didn't notice. I waited. And prayed. Please God, let her see that she dropped her wad of cash. I don't want to touch it. Pppplllleeeaasseee don't make me touch it. I imagine it to be like a bird's nest. A bird's nest of hair, asphalt, Cheetos, crack cocaine and dollar dollar bills, y'all. 

Of course she (let's call her CC) didn't notice. Her daughter, with her mouth wired shut and shorts smaller than my tiniest underwear, returned from the snack bar to report that the snack steward did not have a blender and therefore could not blend any of the snacks into a drinkable delight leaving her with nothing but a stupid slushy. They both danced and twitched that crazy crackhead shuffle around the wad of cash without noticing it. 

After it had become obvious that they were never going to see it, I finally picked up the wad <sticky; don't barf> and tried to return it to CC. "I think you dropped this" ... "is this yours" ... "ma'am" ... "excuse me" ... "I believe this MONEY belongs to you" ... "ma'am" ... "look, dollars!" ... "hey" ... "money, money, money" ... "LADY take this friggin' money from me NOW!" 

She finally looked over and grabbed at the money, fully molesting my hand in the process. Then glared at me like I had picked her pocket. After a few minutes she did turn and say thank you between detox shivers. Then coughed all over everything in sight. 

Later I got a stiff neck and a terrible headache. The only explanation is that I caught crackhead. One of the perks (?) of working at a hospital is that they want to immunize the bull crap out of you. No shot record, no problem...we'll give you one of each. Two if you are a good girl! 

Wanna Hep B Booster? Sure! Tetanus? It's the bestanus! 

Flu Shot? Of course. In fact, everyone who gets a flu shot gets a green dot on their employee badge. Please shame everyone you see without a green dot. We suggest yo momma jokes!

So I'm thinking I'll head over to BigShotz tomorrow and ask for a double. That's the nurse's station in HR. Also, it may not be called that. 

Tell me about the last time you touched a crackhead! I can't afford a therapist and I want to believe that this is normal.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Squirrels Are Jerks & Train is Awful

I once ran over the back legs of a squirrel. Just the back legs. He used his front legs to drag himself away.

For a while I figured he chewed his legs off and bled out next to the highway. But it has become clear that he met up with Train and inspired the lyric "got run over by a crappy purple Scion". He did this partly because I drive a crappy purple Scion and ran over him. But mostly because he knows how much I hate Train. Squirrels are jerks and Train is awful. They almost got me with that Hey Soul Sister song. Then I remembered that I don't smoke weed. 

It's possible that this haunts me. Also, I just noticed how much squirrels look like hot dogs. Anything you need to confess?