Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Anger

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Dear Jen,
Help! I have anger issues. I tend to break things to make myself feel better. My roommate upset me recently and I broke her favorite glass figurine. I need a better way to deal. How do you handle anger?
Sincerely, Hot Headed

Dear Hulk Smash Hot Headed,
First of all, unless your roommate is 80-years-old, she shouldn't have a favorite glass figurine. Tell her that she is welcome. Next, how do I handle anger? I usually cry and/or verbally vomit all over my sister (because she has to love me anyway) and/or ex-boyfriend (because OMG what is wrong with me) - but these methods aren't much better than breaking stuff. 

Maybe try:
  • closing your eyes and counting to ten. I rolled my eyes just typing that. Don't do it.
  • exercising. This requires that you also be insane.
  • writing in a journal. Be careful. If people find out, they'll make fun of you and you'll just get angry all over again.
  • getting the e-Pressed shirt past the conceptual stage so folks can feel you up and out of your anger.
Let's get real. Just post vague Facebook statuses that make your "friends" consider hiding your updates, like a normal person. 

Man. This was a terrible attempt at providing advice. You mad?

Monday, February 18, 2013

Communication Breakdown: My Apologies to Mexico

Well, not really Mexico. Not everyone who speaks Spanish is from Mexico. Everyone who is me is sometimes a real jerk though. 

My little bro moved to Washington last Monday, five days prior to our dad's birthday. This happened:

You see, what had happened was...my brother got a new phone number a while back. Apparently I had both his new number and his old number in my phone. I accidentally sent a couple photos to his old number and received the response "Hola quien eres". 

It did not register with me that I had the wrong number until after I sent "Bless you?" in return. No, really. Thankfully they didn't say anything else. Probably because they were busy telling their amigos about the puta on the other end of the textersation.

I was in the midst of Panang & Sushi Night with the fam so I mentioned what was transpiring on the ole tele. Due to a recent numbers mix-up, they knew that little bro's old number had transferred to a Spanish-speaking woman. NOW they tell me.

In case you (like some people writing this blog) aren't fluent in Spanish, "Hola quien eres" means "hello who are you" in English. 

I would argue a case for not expecting someone texting you in English to understand your response in another language but I have to write an apology letter to everyone who speaks Spanish and is not from Mexico. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

DIY: How to Speak to Single Women on Valentine's Day

The same way you do every other freaking day.

Here's something crazy: I'm a 31-year-old single southern* woman and I don't hate Valentine's Day. I don't hate men. I'm not waiting for marriage so my poor little life can start. And I bet there are more of my kind out there.

As Valentine's Day drew near this year, I began to hear things like "control yourselves on that day, single ladies", "it's almost singles awareness day", "Valentine's Day won't be very fun for you, huh - maybe you'll have someone next year"...

It's okay to be okay with singleness. A simple "hey, what's up?" is still a lovely way to start a conversation, even on VDay.

*Southern is an important distinction as people here seem to think you are a spinster if you don't marry your high school sweetheart the day after graduation.

 Not a commentary on VDay. Cheese was my first love. We're still together.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Touché Tuesday Advice Column

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Glare = Love

Dear Jen, 
It's almost Valentine's Day and I am single. AGAIN. I'm thinking of getting myself flowers. Do you have any single lady flower suggestions?
Bachelorette Suzy

Dear Suzy,
I am assuming you have a cat because all single ladies do. Please consider the following flowers that are not toxic to cats*: snapdragons, the rosa species of roses, sunflowers, gerber daises and zinnias. Sunflowers and gergers are some of my personal faves. Check out these gorge pink gerbers in my insta-stream.

*I am not a vet but I do know how to use Google.

Dear Jen,
My boyfriend brings up his ex-girlfriend in conversation all the time. Do you think I should be concerned about this?
Confused, Tonya

Dear Tonya,
Are you dating one of my exes cause I'm pretty sure this package is hard to get over. It requires extra shipping. Bubble wrap and packing peanuts. Spring for the tracking number. I don't know where I was going with this metaphor. Also, yes. Does he just generally speak of her? Does he compare you two? Either way, I think it's time to have a talk with your man. Tell him how you feel. If he can't respect that, refer to the above question and answer.
♥ Jen

Friday, February 1, 2013

I bring the party, if by party you mean DJ Paris in a tub...

Earlier tonight I posted this prediction of how my evening would go in response to a friend's declaration that I should be jealous of her as she was on a sister-date with my sister:
"Yeah, well, while you are on a not-my-actual-sister sister-date with my actual sister, I'm reading comic books at home alone and later I might talk to my ex about diets for an hour like I did last night and then I might look at all my other ex's new babies on Facebook and then maybe have a solo dance party because that's the closest I can get to exercise without having a Paul Rudd circa 'Wet Hot American Summer' fit. If anyone is gonna be jelly tonight, it ain't gonna be me. Unless of course you start talking about literal jelly cause that's probably what I'm going to eat for supper.* So there."
Boy was I wrong. My evening took a turn for the weirder when I made this:
Click it. Click it good. (It gets bigger! That's what he said.)

Why? Because Deej vlogged the cover art and title for his upcoming book. Originally, he planned for an illustration of himself blogging from a tub and the title "From the Tub". The artist he coordinated with ended up doing an illustration of Deej in a rose instead, with the title "Look it's D.J. Bathing in a Rose". Because...um...I don't know why. I don't get it at all. Watch it. If you get it, splain it to me.

We all know I'm kind of a douche so I set out to make my own version. (Please don't hate me rose lady - you're artwork is nice. It should be a poster. I live in Oregon and drive a Hummerzine if you want to slash my tires.) Anyway. Read his blog. Buy his book when it comes out. For now, validate my artwork. 

*Don't be sad for me. I didn't eat jelly for supper. I shotgunned dark chocolate chips straight from the bag. Apparently I dropped a couple as my leg looked like it had been smeared in poo when I stood. Yeah I was pants-less. So what?

Seacrest out. Actually Seacrest in. Sounds like he's gonna marry that hot chick from DWTS. Who knew?