I'm No Angel: Part Deux

Craftbotic and The Dreamy Meadow teamed up to make June the month of the Blog Angel. Basically you sign up, get a blogger, secretly help that blogger out and reveal yourself on June 30th. That's today. This is how it went down.

I angeled Stephanie over at Whatever is Lovely and Noble. She wasn't able to post much during June as she was celebrating her first anniversary and going on a pretty awesome looking (judging by the photos) trip. I guess I'll let her off the hook since all you married people seem to think anniversaries are important or whatever. 

How angelic was I? Well, I left a comment here and there. I added her button to my sidebar and... Stephanie had specifically requested help with HTML. I figured leaving random comments about HTML would give me away. Soooo I have a few special things up my sleeve for Whitfield Awesome in July. One of them is weekly HTML tips. I was inspired by Stephanie's request and will be listing her as the sponsor of each post.

How angelic was my angel? I think my angel forgot about me. Unless my angel was someone I already knew. Or a new reader who totally lied about how they found my blog. Are you there angel? It's me, Jen. UPDATE: My angel was Chelsea from Yours Truly, who I just so happen to majorly heart! I had no idea because her comments and interactions felt so natural - I guess I was expecting the Blog Angel interactions to feel forced and awkward. Great job Chelsea!

Now go pay Stephanie a visit! Cause I said so. 

Also, in case you missed it the first time or just want to see it again (and you should): 

Featurette Friday: Letters from the Bath

I don't have an explanation for myself or this video. Among it's many features: UFOs, cat butts, pistachio pudding and the statement "I ain't dead in the loins yet". Off the rails. And yes, that was my only glass of wine.



Wanna link up your letters? Head over to Adventures of Newlyweds. 

Don't You Forget About Me

Hey kids! Have you signed up for the Digital Quilt Project in which you choose a word or phrase and I send you an illustration yet (more details)? No?!? Use this form to sign up. 

While you are here, check out the progress. If y'all don't get to signing up, I'm going to have a very small quilt. Then I will freeze to death. Do you want that on your conscience? You'll have to start checking that "I dun killed sumbodee" box on job applications. It's gonna be a whole thing. Might as well avoid it.

Bona fide hustler making my name

I've been MIA this week preparing for three job interviews. I feel like one went really well, one went pretty well and one was just terrible. While I was away, I picked up a few great interviewing tips for my fellow job-hunters:

1. Should you find yourself sitting in a chair held together by packing tape, do not become distracted by thoughts of how unpretty it is going to be when you bust through the chair like the Kool-aid man. Or by wondering if the interview panel would get it if you yelled "Oh yeah!" afterward. Or by contemplating whether or not you really want to work with the kind of people who wouldn't get it.
2. Should you forget to remove your nose ring pre-interview and try to remove it discreetly in the lobby as you wait to be called back for the interview, it will definitely get stuck. You will have to bear down on that sucker and someone will think you are picking your nose.
3. Should you find yourself not being the kind of lady that has pantyhose on hand, don't wait until the last minute to purchase them. Putting brand new hose on in the car on the way to an interview is hard. Yelling at your thumbnail for snagging said hose does not help matters at all.
4. Should you find yourself being videotaped, resist the urge to quote Anchorman. Also, you will definitely be videotaped from a low angle so you might as well get over the double chin thing.

You won't hear this stuff from your career counselor, folks. You're welcome.

Job interviews should be more like this: 

Let's Fuarty!

I just thought the Things I'm Afraid To Tell You post was scary, this one might actually kill me. In which case, you are all invited to my fuarty: funeral in the front, party in the back. 

This fuarty will be an open casket affair as you will be required to gaze upon my lifeless body and say things such as "Jen's so skinny" and "death does not diminish her unique ability to look both highly intelligent and astonishingly beautiful at the same time". Don't pay attention to the part of my face that will be missing. It'll take a few days for someone to notice I haven't been around and my cat will begin to eat me.

Also, I'm going to need at least one of you to be a spectacle. You know, throw your body over me and cry out like a hyperactive latino woman. (This is not to be confused with specter. I'll be doing the spectering around here.)

Now that we have the fuarty squared away...you may or may not remember the Self Love Month from way back in February. Amy Morby is at it again with the Summer of Self Love. It's an embrace your inner pin-up girl situation. She introduced her readers to her pal, Rachele from The Nearsighted Owl, who challenged us to admit our true size. And to be happy about it. Here goes nothing. I'm posting my size. On the internet. Where people can see it.

Top: Cynthia Rowley, TJ Maxx (L)

Tank: Teez Her, Bealls Florida (L)

Jeans: Nine West, Bealls Florida (14)

Shoes: White Mountain, TJ Maxx, (8.5)
Jewelry: Target, Dillards, Etsy (one size fits all)

Real talk: I used to be quite thin. Like, I still have size 2 jeans in my closet thin. I am mad at myself for not staying in shape and am working on getting my sexy back. I don't think size 2 is the answer any more. I don't know what the answer is now but I do know that I want a curvier, more feminine body than I had then. I think I'll know it when I see it. And I'll go 'head be gone with it.*

Wanna join in? Click this button, yo:

*I'm not sure what this means but Justin Timberlake sang it about bringing sexy back and I figure he must know what he's talking about since he did an entire album on sexy. Plus he played one of the nerds in the FB movie. What's sexier than that?!? Hose me down!**
**Okay fine, Andrew Garfield was actually hot in that movie.

Obsession Confession Sunday: Debs

5 Debs I'm Currently Obsessed With:

1. Tropical Storm Debby. My phone has been blowing up today because I'm so cool and popular Tropical Storm Debby is about to hand it to us. So far ole girl is just sprinkling on my section of Florida a bit. She's taking her sweet time out in the Gulf and isn't expected to hit land until Friday. 
2. Disfigured Debbie. During episode 2 of The Oblongs, a Debbie is maimed and secretly moves to the valley with the other freaks. It's awesome and you can watch it on YouTube.
3. Debbie Downer. We all know a Debbie Downer (if you don't it might be you). I appreciate SNL's attempt at making us laugh about it. 
4. Debbie Gibson. Electric Youth remains the best celeb perfume ever. I mean, it had a hot pink lightning bolt in it. 
5. Little Debbie. This may be the low-carb diet typing.

St. Elsewhere

Anyone remember St. Elsewhere? Ed Begley Jr., Howie Mandel, Denzel Washington, Mr. Feeny William Daniels. Anyone?*

A few things I did while I was elsewhere...

Guest post on USA Love List >>

Waste no more time wondering what products might be made in Florida. I wrote a list for you! Check it.

June Birchbox Unboxing >>
Tons of ladies post Birchbox vids. But are they willing to put themselves in compromising positions with body pillows to elevate said vids to new heights of sophistication? No. That's what makes me special folks. Watch!

Joy the Baker Podcast >>

Joy and Tracy mentioned me during the podcast! Then I died of fan girl overload. They put my illustration in the show notes and gave me diet encouragement. Listen!

*I still think this is what hospitals sound like:

Touché Tuesday Advice Column

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.   

Dear Jen,
I'm kind of a dork. How can I become cooler?
All the best, Nerdy Nelly

Dear Nelly,
If there is one thing I know nothing everything about, it is being cool. Here are a few tips:

1. Become really famous.
2. Get a tattoo. Or grow a beard. Maybe both. 
3. Do whatever you can to become a part of the Weeki Wachee Live Mermaid Show.
4. Tell everyone you meet how much you love WhitfieldAwesome.com. 
5. Change your name to something like Vest or Figtree. 
6. Learn magic tricks.
7. Get rich and buy affection from others cooler than you.
8. Make time for a lot of brooding.
9. Carry wallet size photos of your pet(s). In your wallet. Cause carrying them willy-nilly in your bag would be weird.
10. Embrace what makes you you, even if it means being kind of a dork.

♥ Jen

Obsession Confession Sunday: Father's Day Edition

5 Photos of Me and My Pops That I'm Obsessed With:

1. Yes, we are really that cool. (And my fur is fake.)
2. I love the socks and the excitement and the ferocious dog. 
3. While visiting the Statue of Liberty on our way to see little bro in Connecticut, we were failing miserably at the whole take a photo of ourselves thing. A helpful Statue employee came along, took our photo with my mom's camera and then spiked the camera into the floor. At least we still have the chopped heads photos from my camera. 
4. Real women fish in their underwear. 
5. A recent beach excursion. We heart stripes!

Happy Father's Day!

Featurette Friday: Letters (there may be beatboxing)

Ashley over at Adventures of Newlyweds hosts Friday's Letters. Taking a page from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon's book*, I shall do this Thank You Notes style. Watch:



*He turned this skit into books, plural. They're funny.

I'm No Angel

Craftbotic and The Dreamy Meadow teamed up to make June the month of the Blog Angel. Basically you sign up, get a blogger and secretly help that blogger out. Today is the mid-way link party.

The blogger I'm angeling(?) specifically requested help with HTML. Pro: I'm a web designer, like for my  job and junk. I got this. Con: I figure I can't just pop over and start leaving HTML tips in her comments or sending this is how you do whosy whatsit emails without her knowing that I'm her Blog Angel. Soooo, I'm preparing a little booklet of HTML tips to send to my blogger after I reveal myself at the end of the month.

In the meantime, I moved her one follower closer to her June followers goal. Hopefully when I announce her publicly on June 30, some of you fine folks will get her even closer. I have also left a few comments on her posts. 

Any suggestions of how I can be more angelic without giving myself away? What would you want a secret Blog Angel to do for you?

Also, this...

Touché Tuesday: Tongue Depressors & Dad

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.  

Dear Jen, 
Where do you acquire all those tongue depressors you use for all your YouTube videos? Do you steal them from doctors offices or are you a kindergarten teacher?
Sincerely, Tim

Dear Tim,
Yes. I am a kindergarten teacher AND I steal tongue depressors from doctor's offices. Or at least that used to be the case. My teaching license was revoked when I went to jail for thievery. Now I have to purchase tongue depressors from Wal-Mart like all the other hardened criminals.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
It's almost Father's Day and I don't know what to give my dad as a gift. Please help!
Yours, Bad Daughter

Dear Bad Daughter,
I got my dad new garden flip flops. Cause that's really a thing in the house I grew up in and he broke his. (Don't worry he won't read this.) I don't know your dad, so here's a list of different personality traits matched up with great gifts. 

If your dad is...

1. smart, get him a nonfiction book and eye-glass cleaner (all smart people wear glasses - this is why I couldn't even fail the eye test when I tried). 
2. whimsical, get him a masculine art print of a grand animal such as a ram.
3. conservative, get him a solid-colored tie.
4. slutty, get him a CVS gift card.
5. mean, replace all the songs on his mp3 player with stuff by current teen pop sensations.
6. sporty, take him to a local sporting event - pay for his ticket and his hot dog.
7. cheap frugal, give him a very practical gift card (think home depot or restaurant he likes).
8. metro, take him for a mani/pedi. 
9. geeky, get him a trilogy of some sort (think opposite of Twilight).
10. a Russian criminal, get him the Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopedia (there are three volumes).

♥ Jen

Summer Bucket List

Are you listening to the Joy the Baker Podcast? If not, you should be. It's not about baking and it's totes bonk. That means really good. This week, Joy and Tracy challenged us to make a summer bucket list. Here goes...

1. Write at least 5 chapters of my novel. 
2. Catch the Milton UFO. More on this coming soon...
3. Finish home office makeover. I've only painted one wall so far. That was months ago.
4. Reach 40-lb mark on low-carb diet. I'm half way there! (Must admit that being a low-carb follower of Joy and Tracy is sometimes torturous.) 
5. Actually sell something in my Etsy store.
6. Go to bed on time [on work nights].
7. Start faux feud with Deej.
8. Keep some plants alive longer than a week.
9. Go to the beach more often.
10. Apply to grad school [and stay in for more than one semester this time].

What's on your list?

Obsession Confession Sunday

5 Things I'm Currently Obsessed With:

1. Todd Oldman's Kid Made Modern Paper Tape Set. I'm working on a fun project with this tape that I plan to show you later this week. Set of 9 solid colors or patterns, $6.99 at Target. 
2. This house. If I had insane amounts of money, this is the way my house would look.
3. Raw stone jewelry. Like this stuff. It's major.
4. Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment with SPF 15. This might just be the longest lasting lip balm I've ever used. And it contains sunscreen. That's important, kids.
5. Ray LaMontagne. This obsession is not new. Don't know why I might be obsessed with Ray? Watch this video: 

Featurette Friday: How I Think Prometheus Is Going To Go

I'll be seeing Prometheus later tonight. Here's my prediction of how things will go. Also, sorry I always forget to mirror text so it won't be backwards in my vids.

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Job Interviews and ...

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form. 

A job interview must!

Dear Jen,
I have my first real job interview next week. I'm super nervous! I'd like to practice answering questions. What questions would you ask during an interview?
Sincerely, New Hire

Dear New Hire,
You will probably hear the same tired questions that have plagued interviewees for centuries: where would you like to see yourself in 5 years and if you were a tree what kind of tree would you be? The only correct answers to these questions include getting my tan on while I watch the pool boy and that crazy hair molesting tree from Avatar. Interviewers know this.

But you didn't ask what questions you are likely to be asked in an interview. You asked what questions I would ask during an interview. These:

1. I am forcing you to participate in Ultimate Cage Match. Would you rather fight Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman or Donna Martin?
2. What do you feel is the best color combination for a luchador mask?
3. The answer is 42. What is the question?
4. What do you like most about me?
5. Lisa Frank. Yea or nay?

♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
I just finished watching the Veronica Mars series on DVD. The ending was so abrupt and unsatisfying. How do I get over this?
Love Jen Some Other Person That's Totally Not Me

Dear Some Other Person That's Totally Not Me,
Definitely don't order Moonlight, another series starring that guy that played Logan, or imagine yourself all petite and cuddly with Logan as you drift off to sleep (it's okay - he only played a teen, he's actually 30). That would be sorta crazy. Sweet dreams.
♥ Jen

Interview Answer Key:

1. Donna Martin. Because David Silver would show up and have you seen his present day abs?
2. Coral and teal.
3. The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything.
4. Obviously your beauty is unparalleled, your intelligence is astounding and your sense of style is nothing short of wicked, but what I like most is your dry sense of humor.
5. Uh. Yea.

Obsession Confession Sunday

I'm a day late and a dollar short. But here are 5 things I'm currently obsessed with:

1. Chris Hemsworth. I'm thinking of starting the Chris Hemsworth Fund. I know you're thinking that this must be a scholarship for young men with unwashed just enough hair and impossible biceps, because I am normally so noble. But you are wrong. This will be to fund an all Hemsworth, all the time television channel. Coming up at 9 CST - Chris drinks sweet tea. Doesn't that sound great? 
2. The Dandy Warhols. If you read last week's confession, you know that I am currently obsessed with Veronica Mars. (Though I'm now on the last season...bummer.) The opening song, "We Used to Be Friends" is a Dandy Warhols song. It and the entire album "Welcome to the Monkey House" is quite enjoyable.
3. The kindness of bloggers continues to amaze me. When I carved out my little space here on the internet, I thought maybe a few of my friends would keep up with my blog for a few months. Maybe a few strangers would happen by once in a while. And then my viewership would return to zero and I would quit. I did not expect to "meet" so many cool people. One of those cool people is Chelsea over at Yours Truly. Check out this post that made me feel all warm and fuzzy and then stick around to read her haps as she lives life in New Zealand.
4. Hood Calorie Countdown Chocolate Dairy Beverage. I wouldn't be able to survive my low-carb diet without this treat. Apparently a large part of me is still a child. I can't live a chocolate milk-less life. Don't let the "creamy dairy beverage" description worry you - it tastes like real chocolate milk. There are 60% fewer calories, 90% less sugar and 84% fewer carbs per serving than in regular chocolate milk. (The white milk is not bad but doesn't taste as much like real milk.)
5. USA Love List Top 10 Things Made In My Home State series. USA Love List is all about American made products. And this post series is obviously broken out by state. It's neat to read what each state is up to. So far, Georgia, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Wisconsin, Oregon, Ohio and Arizona have been covered. I can't wait to see Florida's list. UPDATE: Looks like I'll be writing the FL post. I wonder if they'll accept "Top 10 Things Made in My Home State Besides Meth"? I kid, I kid!

Open letter to D.J. Paris in which I quote too many rap lyrics

Prologue: D.J. posted on his blog, Thoughts From Paris, about Larry The Cable Guy following him on Twitter and finding it suspect when famous people follow lesser beings not-so-famous people. I left a comment about him, a more-famous-than-me person, following my dead bird and my sister on Twitter but not following me, the one member of this live human/dead bird trio who actually reads his blog. I admitted that I still read his blog anyway but I feel really dirty about it. The next day he started following me on Twitter. I tweeted that I no longer had to feel dirty about reading his blog but I might do it anyway. He promptly unfollowed me. I should not be allowed to own a keyboard. Or a speech-to-text program. Or a Dictaphone. Now I really want a Dictaphone.

Dear D.J.,

It is a blogger’s prerogative to giveth and to taketh away. But your takething maketh me wonder if I offended (or frightened) you. Offense (or fright) was never my purpose. I apologize. Here’s some real talk...

I’m just a hustling humor writer like you - trying to find my place in the blogging community, the writing community, the reading community, that elite community of fit nudists in my town that said “girl, you best get in shape before you show your face and all that other stuff around these parts again.” It’s hard out here for a pimp.*

I know I typed the word “dirty” to you twice in less than 24 hours. But I didn’t mean it. Truth is, I’ve never felt dirty at all while reading your blog. I recently went through a breakup and dyed part of my hair blonde. Now I say the word “dirty” more than I ever intended. It’s as if I think it’s 2002 and my name starts with an X and a dash. [In the interest of full disclosure, should I ever find myself with a 2002 X-Tina body, I will say “dirty” very intentionally. All the time. And it will have so many r’s.]

I do not expect you to read this letter and begin to re-follow me. I just want to make things right. Here is a list of words that mean the opposite of dirty. I will feel any, and maybe all, of these things while reading your blog from now on: clean, fresh, pure, spotless, nice, tidy, decent, sophisticated (let's not get carried away), respectable, honorable, good, like a member of the Duggar family, polished, refined, moral, right, tasteful, innocent, righteous, inculpable, sterile, blameless, noble, virtuous, chaste.

I'm almost certain this has helped. Email me and I'll let you know where to send my friendship bracelet.

So fresh and so clean clean,

Jen

*I’m not a pimp.

Dirty Count: 9

Featurette Friday: Sling Blade Reads Popular Science Mmmhmm

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy beating a dead horse? I had so much fun torturing my sister with creating highbrow humor for you last week in the Yoda Reads NASCAR Romance video, that I'm sticking to the formula. Random character + something said character wouldn't read = comedic genius comedy at least as good as Joe Dirt which had a domestic gross over 27 million (really).

Without further ado, I present to you Sling Blade Reads Popular Science Mmmhmm.