Saturday, June 2, 2012

Open letter to D.J. Paris in which I quote too many rap lyrics

Prologue: D.J. posted on his blog, Thoughts From Paris, about Larry The Cable Guy following him on Twitter and finding it suspect when famous people follow lesser beings not-so-famous people. I left a comment about him, a more-famous-than-me person, following my dead bird and my sister on Twitter but not following me, the one member of this live human/dead bird trio who actually reads his blog. I admitted that I still read his blog anyway but I feel really dirty about it. The next day he started following me on Twitter. I tweeted that I no longer had to feel dirty about reading his blog but I might do it anyway. He promptly unfollowed me. I should not be allowed to own a keyboard. Or a speech-to-text program. Or a Dictaphone. Now I really want a Dictaphone.

Dear D.J.,

It is a blogger’s prerogative to giveth and to taketh away. But your takething maketh me wonder if I offended (or frightened) you. Offense (or fright) was never my purpose. I apologize. Here’s some real talk...

I’m just a hustling humor writer like you - trying to find my place in the blogging community, the writing community, the reading community, that elite community of fit nudists in my town that said “girl, you best get in shape before you show your face and all that other stuff around these parts again.” It’s hard out here for a pimp.*

I know I typed the word “dirty” to you twice in less than 24 hours. But I didn’t mean it. Truth is, I’ve never felt dirty at all while reading your blog. I recently went through a breakup and dyed part of my hair blonde. Now I say the word “dirty” more than I ever intended. It’s as if I think it’s 2002 and my name starts with an X and a dash. [In the interest of full disclosure, should I ever find myself with a 2002 X-Tina body, I will say “dirty” very intentionally. All the time. And it will have so many r’s.]

I do not expect you to read this letter and begin to re-follow me. I just want to make things right. Here is a list of words that mean the opposite of dirty. I will feel any, and maybe all, of these things while reading your blog from now on: clean, fresh, pure, spotless, nice, tidy, decent, sophisticated (let's not get carried away), respectable, honorable, good, like a member of the Duggar family, polished, refined, moral, right, tasteful, innocent, righteous, inculpable, sterile, blameless, noble, virtuous, chaste.

I'm almost certain this has helped. Email me and I'll let you know where to send my friendship bracelet.

So fresh and so clean clean,

*I’m not a pimp.

Dirty Count: 9


  1. I did not witness any of the dirty twittering but I found your tweet after he followed you to be entirely fitting and hysterical.

  2. LOL. He should most definitely be following you. Duggar family...ha!

  3. I have no idea how you were unfollowed. I swear to Jehovah (that's the Lord, right? Or maybe not. I never figured that out) that I never unfollowed you. But I just checked, and you were unfollowed!

    I was using a program to unfollow people who didn't follow me back. Sometimes it glitched. That had to be what happened. I love you! And yes, in THAT way.

    1. Yep, that's the Lord. And like the Lord, I forgive you.

  4. Ha! Love it! Now I will have to follow you to see how often you say DIRT....

    1. If you ain't dirrty, you ain't here to party. Ladies, move. Gentlemen, move. Somebody ring the alarm. A fire on the roof.

      Or whatever.