Dating a beef steak, ah yeah!

Last week I was gchatting with the most recent ex because omg I still do that what's wrong with me and we were talking about steak cooked in water. Let's all just go ahead and agree: that sounds awful. He swears it's life-changingly good. 

We got to comparing steaks to boyfriends (as in boyfriends for me - he still swims in the lady pond). He trying to convince me that steak is better than a man with the "steaks don't argue" and the "steaks will always be there for you in your time of need". Me trying to convince him that steaks are exactly like a man with the "steaks are often cold in the middle" and the "steaks never hear anything you say". 

Of course, in an effort to prove myself right, I dated a steak. I did it for all the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me. Sort of. Mostly I did it because I needed a stupid good prompt and I like proving myself right.* 

Let's do this: (Because I used part of an Avett Bros song, YouTube will not allow this vid to be viewed on a mobile device. I understand. Surely everyone thinks I wrote and performed the song. Until I find a YouTube approved song that works as perfectly with this video as the AB song, please view on a computer. Like people did in the olden days. Thank you.)


*Yes, I realize that dating a steak proves something else entirely.

P.S. YouTube informs me that I am now approved to upload videos up to 15 minutes long. Blame them for the future.

Touché Tuesday Advice: Man Dumb

Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.  

Ooh Foxy Lady

Dear Jen,
Why are men so dumb? I mean they are pretty nice most of the time, but every once and a while they just do dumb, dumb stuff. I did some dumb stuff. And I'm a guy. I broke up with my ex and that was totally dumb. I know, right? I realize now that she's really awesome. What's the best way to let her know that? (She happens to read this blog, so I'm hoping you answer this personally, and not one of your hundreds of interns or your cat.)
Sincerely, 
Dick Dickerson, Doucher IL

Dear Dick,

I honestly do not know why men are so dumb. Maybe that is what makes them able to kill snakes and remember stupid things like renewing license plate tags. I need snakes killed and tags renewed. Leave the dumb men be, would ya?

If your ex reads this blog, then yes, breaking up with her was totally dumb. She is obviously smart and funny and kind and beautiful and a snappy dresser and well read.* All WhitfieldAwesomeites (not to be confused with sodomites) are. Except Billy. 

Girls tend to be sensitive creatures, even the tough ones. A very simple gesture can go a long way with them. Like daily skywriting or tattooing her name on your forehead. If that's too tame for you, maybe just tell her how awesome she is and that you know you did some dumb stuff and you want to make things right if she'll give you a chance. I know, scary. She may be timid and take some coaxing. She may still remember how the dumb stuff made her feel and she'll want to be reassured that it won't happen again. Give her time. Try enticing her from under the couch with a laser or treats.  

Girls also know nothing about sports - they usually only give two strikes instead of the five allowed in that game with the stick and the ball and the squares that people run to. So try and keep the dumb to a minimum if she allows you to bask in her awesomeness again.

♥Intern #263 The Cat Jen

*I bet Natalie Merchant thinks she's fine, so well-bred. The perfect girl, a social deb. She's the sort that you've always thought could make, could make you what you're not. She's smart, so well-read. There are books, there are novels by her bed. She is the sort that you've always said could satisfy your head. But her frikking voice, her voice better not be reminding you of the promises, the little white lies, too. And NEVER, tell me, while she's touching you, just by mistake, you accidentally say Natalie Merchant's name. Just a guess. 

Any advice for this guy, dear readers?