Touché Tuesday Advice Column

It's been a minute since the last Touché Tuesday Advice Column! Need some Whitfield Awesome advice (about anything)? Fill out this form.  

Dear Jen,
I just moved far away from home for college. I'm also a little shy. Do you have any suggestions for meeting new friends?
Sincerely, Party of One

Dear Party of One,
Not so very long ago I was a new-to-college girl with tons of friends (if you count inanimate objects). You came to the right advice column!

I made all of my friends by going directly to class, doing homework at lunchtime and not joining clubs. If you would like to take a more direct indirect (that's not a typo) approach, try AIRing. Walk up to a small group of people and throw out a subject followed by "am I right?" They'll go one way or the other before you make a commitment.  For example:

• Spot a few nerds? Say "Ben Affleck as Batman, am I right?"
• Catch up to a few jocks during your run? Say "sports words, am I right?"
• See a pack of hott girls chewing gum and not saying much? Say "Miley Cyrus, am I right?"
• Spy a gaggle of music lovers? Say "vinyl, am I right?"
• Eyeball an environmentalist? Say "reusable bags, am I right?"
• Professors the only people that will talk to you now? Say "vodka in a water bottle, am I right?"

AIRing isn't about compromising your beliefs. If the new people you happen upon turn out terrible, peace out. You have a 50/50 chance of the next group turning out great. 

Or just buy a few pizzas and open your door. 

♥ Jen

Thirsty? Head over to my food blog, Turning Mediterranean for a fresh raspberry soda. 

Touché Tuesday Advice Column

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Dear Jen,
I am dating a guy who has a daughter (about 10 years old). I don't have kids and I haven't spent much time around kids since I was one myself. Do you have any suggestions for what I could do to bond with her?
Sincerely, Clueless

Dear Clueless,
Insufficient data. I need to know things like: How big are your closets? Is she tall enough to reach the bottom of your washing machine? Can she cook? Do you have litter-boxes?

Seriously though, just ask her what she likes to do. Then do it. (Assuming her responses are more akin to puzzles or bike riding than meth or watching the Disney Channel.)
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
First, you are soooo beautiful. Second, if I were to spend fifty-something hours watching one TV series, based on the Pony Express, that ran from 1989-1992, which one should I watch? 
Yours, Jen Schmen*

Dear Schmen, 
You should watch The Young Riders on Hulu. It's about boys (and a girl) who are young (but legal) and ride. The title is crazy on target. It's full of horses and gun fights and saloons and cowboys and cheesiness and mail. 100% of eight-year-old me's and thirty-one-year-old me's agree: Buck is totally the hottest rider. And I still want to be Lou.
♥ Jen

*It is possible that I made this question up to profess my love for The Young Riders which I recently re-discovered. My fam watched it when it originally aired on television. I still dig it.

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Anger

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Dear Jen,
Help! I have anger issues. I tend to break things to make myself feel better. My roommate upset me recently and I broke her favorite glass figurine. I need a better way to deal. How do you handle anger?
Sincerely, Hot Headed

Dear Hulk Smash Hot Headed,
First of all, unless your roommate is 80-years-old, she shouldn't have a favorite glass figurine. Tell her that she is welcome. Next, how do I handle anger? I usually cry and/or verbally vomit all over my sister (because she has to love me anyway) and/or ex-boyfriend (because OMG what is wrong with me) - but these methods aren't much better than breaking stuff. 

Maybe try:

• closing your eyes and counting to ten. I rolled my eyes just typing that. Don't do it.
• exercising. This requires that you also be insane.
• writing in a journal. Be careful. If people find out, they'll make fun of you and you'll just get angry all over again.
• getting the e-Pressed shirt past the conceptual stage so folks can feel you up and out of your anger.

Let's get real. Just post vague Facebook statuses that make your "friends" consider hiding your updates, like a normal person. 

Man. This was a terrible attempt at providing advice. You mad?

Touché Tuesday Advice Column

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Glare = Love

Dear Jen, 
It's almost Valentine's Day and I am single. AGAIN. I'm thinking of getting myself flowers. Do you have any single lady flower suggestions?
Bachelorette Suzy

Dear Suzy,
I am assuming you have a cat because all single ladies do. Please consider the following flowers that are not toxic to cats*: snapdragons, the rosa species of roses, sunflowers, gerber daises and zinnias. Sunflowers and gergers are some of my personal faves. Check out these gorge pink gerbers in my insta-stream.

*I am not a vet but I do know how to use Google.
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
My boyfriend brings up his ex-girlfriend in conversation all the time. Do you think I should be concerned about this?
Confused, Tonya

Dear Tonya,
Are you dating one of my exes cause I'm pretty sure this package is hard to get over. It requires extra shipping. Bubble wrap and packing peanuts. Spring for the tracking number. I don't know where I was going with this metaphor. Also, yes. Does he just generally speak of her? Does he compare you two? Either way, I think it's time to have a talk with your man. Tell him how you feel. If he can't respect that, refer to the above question and answer.
♥ Jen

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: #Election2012

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Happy election day to my fellow Americans! I hope you exercised your right, even if we don't agree on the man for the job. Now stop watching George Stephanopoulos* and read my blog! I saved up all YOUR election related questions...

7:09 PM. Made it. After only 1.5 hrs of adults coughing on me and kids rubbing my butt
and punching my purse, I did my part and voted to keep Ron Swanson as a FL Judge. That
was the important one in this election, right? #MeatTornado2012

Dear Jen,
I feel sure that my guy isn't going to win the election. How do I deal?
Civic Dude-y

Dear The Dude,
Look at the two candidates. Nobody wins. Eat a cheese danish. That always makes me even fatter feel better.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
I'm finally old enough to vote. All this election business is exciting! But also confusing. What does voting with your feet mean?
All the best, Googleless

Dear, Googleless,
This should be obvious. Wear shiny new Chrisitan Louboutins = a vote for Romney. Wear old ill-fitting loafers = a vote for Obama. 
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
Should I bring my super annoying children with me to vote and not discipline them, like, at all?
Clueless in MN, Dumb-Dumb McTrashy

Dear DD, 
No.
♥ Jen

*When I type "Stephanopoulos", spell check thinks I mean "postmenopausal". 

Week O' Ween: Touché Tuesday Advice Column

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I saved up your spookiest questions for the Week O' Ween edition of Touché Tuesday, y'all. 

Ghosts of Milton - Is that a chicken foot or are you just happy to see me?

Dear Jen,
I figured out where you live. Sometimes I watch you through your windows. How do you like them apples?
Love, Tom

Dear Tom,
Please let me know if any of the moles on my back change. I can't see those.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
I think my house is haunted. What do I do?!?
Help, Scared Almost to Death

Dear Scared,
Gather the following items: salt, a crucifix, a flashlight and extra batteries, Ghostbusters 1 on DVD, an EMF detector, a lighter, snacks, a Bible and a ball. Then move to a new house - dang, girl.
 ♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
I hear voices inside my head. Not like my conscience - voices that don't belong to me. I don't mind them most of the time but sometimes they ask me to do things I'm uncomfortable with. Do you have any tips for getting rid of them? 
All the Best, Insane in the Membrane

Dear Insane,
Voices in your head - mind them. That's funny. What were we talking about?
♥Jen

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Quick Fire

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So MSN had Caroline Manzo answer nine of YOUR toughest questions. Probably because they couldn't get me on the phone. I never answer the phone unless it's a cute boy or a peanut butter M&M for life contest winner announcer. Plus, MSN, you really need to start using email.

My answers to Caroline's questions...

Dear Jen,
How do I handle a mean girl at work?
Love, Wimpy

Dear Wimpy,
You really shouldn't be handling girls at work. They'll get you on sexual harrassment.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
How do I know if my pre-wedding jitters are normal or a sign I should call the whole thing off?
Love, Scared

Dear Scared,
I'm pretty sure everyone who has ever gotten married had pre-wedding jitters. Quite frankly, I'm tired of hearing about them. Write me when have better jitters. Like I'm about to start raising 465 guinea fowl jitters.
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
How do I ask my boss for a raise?
Love, Underpaid

Dear Underpaid,
With one eye closed and biting down on a stick. 
♥Jen

Dear Jen, 
How can I be supportive of both my parents during a divorce without taking sides?
Love, Torn

Dear Torn,
Are you kidding. Take sides! Both of them. 3 words: double Christmas presents.
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
How can I get my husband to be more romantic?
Love, Wanting More

Dear Wanting More,
By refusing to have sex with him. I think your husband submitted a question to my column: "My wife hasn't caught on to the whole withholding sex thing. How did I get so lucky (pun intended)?"
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
How can I learn to feel more comfortable and confident in my own skin?
Love, Insecure

Dear Insecure,
Great. Now I'm thinking of you with no skin. Thanks. 
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
I'm terrified of dating after my divorce. How do I get back out there?
Love, Single Again

Dear Single,
I may not be the best person to ask about this. Exhibit A: this post.
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
I'm falling in love with my close male friend. Should I tell him how I feel?
♥ Lova

Dear Lova,
Do you want to be the next person asking about pre-wedding jitters and unromantic husbands and dating after divorces? Then no. 
♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
My parents won't stop nagging me about getting married - how can I politely tell them to butt out?
Love, Single For the First Time

Dear Firsty,
Like this: "Hey guy, butt out."
♥Jen

If for some reason you really want to read Caroline's answers, gotohere.

Touché Tuesday Advice: On Honeymoons & Jobs

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One of the following questions concerns honeymoon activities. If you allow your seven-year-old to keep reading over your shoulder, it's not my fault. Can seven-year-old's read? I have no concept of child development. Do they even have their eyes open at this point?

The above image has nothing to do with anything in this post because this is my blog and I can do that.

Dear Jen,
I'm getting married soon and it's a pain. Also, my fiance's parents are making everything more difficult than it should be. I think this is because my fiance is an only child and his parents have nothing better to do than interfere with everything in his/our life. Anyhow, I want to know if I'm being a complete b***h or if wedding stress is just getting to me. My fiance's parents have very generously offered to pay for a really expensive and totally awesome trip for us for our honeymoon. But there's a catch.

They want to go too. Yeah, because the trip is that awesome and they don't see their son that much (he moved across the country to live with me). Now, if it were any other trip I don't think I'd have a problem, but I'm supposed to be banging the living daylights out of their son on this trip, and if his parents come along, I don't think that will happen. Actually, I know it won't, because I'm going to be a b***h and not put out. So am I really being an ungrateful b***h on wanting my honeymoon to be just the two of us? Am I being stupid for turning down an awesome trip just because my in-laws want to come along?

Frustrated, Sexually on my Honeymoon

Deary SOMH,
Um, no. Your in-laws cannot go on your honeymoon. That's insane and they should know that. Since you technically are not their "daughter" yet, your fiance should put a stop to this. Try some subtle hints like:

1. Hey guy, it's your mom or my vagina. Ball's in your court. Balls won't be anywhere near my court unless you tell your rents to stay home.
2. I got a new book for the honeymoon. It's called Your Mom and no one has sex in it.
3. I can't wait for you to see the wedding night panties I got...for your mom.
4. Yo momma's so fat (pause) I won't have sex with you.
5. Is that a banana in your pocket or your dad?

I'm dying to know how this turns out. Keep me posted. (And since everything in the whole wide world is ultimately about me, let's all take a moment and acknowledge that I just won the internet with #2 up there.)

♥ Jen

Dear Jen,
You've written about job loss and job gains before, so hopefully you can help. My sister just lost her job due to financial layoffs. She's trying to make the best of it, especially since she wasn't happy with her employer. She's been actively job searching while figuring out if she should go back to school or what kind of job she wants. I think she's doing great dealing with it, and I feel it's totally reasonable for her to have some bad days mixed in with the good. On those tough days, what can I do to help her? I will support any decision she makes, and speak with her often, so I'm there telling her that it's okay to take a morning or day off (of job hunting) and relax, but I'm also there to encourage her to get a move on after a day break.

What can I do or say to help her during this tough time. I know she's sick of people saying "you'll find something" "enjoy your time off" "oh, it's like a vacation, right?".

Hopefully you can help.
Sincerely, Sister Sister

Dear Sister Sister,
It sounds like you are doing a great job of being supportive and encouraging, yet firm. When I was given notification of lay-off, I was ashamed. I knew it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help feeling like a failure. I really didn't like people talking to me about it at all. I wanted to pretend that no one knew. BUT my sister is one of a few people in my life I can be completely transparent with. I am immeasurably thankful for that relationship. I'm  glad your sister has you.

On those tough days, let her be sad or angry or whatever she needs to be. But mostly, treat her like you always do. Job loss can feel dehumanizing. Someone who treats you like you instead of like you without a job is refreshing. She knows she needs to find a job. It's probably consuming her every thought. It's unlikely that she needs folks reminding her to find a job or making light of it (vacation comments, ugh). 
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
I love getting my career started but I hate other people, managers, having a say so in said career path. How should I accept not being the boss of me entirely? I am not used to this method of work.
Boss Lady Attitude, Eyelashes B.

Dear B.,
My career has always included working for someone else. I do a bit of freelancing but have never relied solely on my freelance income. I don't know how it feels to be the boss of me entirely. But I do know that there are perks to working for the man. 

Things like a steady paycheck come to mind. A sense of security. Not having to deal with crap like payroll, benefits, making budget, reimbursing unhappy clients, etc. There can be something supremely easy and relaxing about knowing that someone else makes sure there is a place to work and projects to work on. Allow yourself to enjoy just doing your work and not worrying about the rest. 

Or be a complete diva and act like you are still the boss of you entirely. For some strange reason, people who act that way in the corporate world receive promotions. And cookies that someone spat in.
♥Jen

Touché Tuesday Advice Column

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This is the space where some really terrible advice for you could be.

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: That Thing You Do

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Chadwick likes to collect hot sauces and pretend to be Joy Behar.

Dear Jen,
Someone I met for the first time today asked me the question, "What do you like to do?". I froze. It's not that I don't like to do things, I do, it's just...how do you answer that question. I'm a stay at home wife (and happy about it), jobless (and happy about it), and childless (and happy about it). It's not that I sit around doing nothing either (okay, sometimes I do...). But I'm new to the area, and have been occupying my days cleaning, unpacking, organizing our apartment, and occasionally checking out the town.

My go-to answer is "I love to cook", which I do, but then people have these expectations of me being the modern Julia Childs (Happy Belated B-day Jules!). That's cool and all, but I don't hold a wonky whisk to Julia.

Maybe it's me being self conscious and worried that my single answer to this question will define me and lead to peoples disappointment in me down the road.What do you think? And how would you answer this question if a new acquaintance asked?
Frustrated, Likable Lisa

Dear L.L.,
Well...my answer just changed to "I like to daydream about being Likeable Lisa". When asked this question, I usually just say whatever comes to mind first. It's often pretty lame. Like "watch TV" or "count opossums" or "think about how much more fun it is to say opossum when you pronounce the o." Lately my go to answer has been "I like to blog/write and make dumb illustrations". 

I understand the nagging feeling of letting folks down - it's likely the reason I don't always give a serious answer. I think sometimes we just need to stop and remind ourselves that liking to do something doesn't mean that we must be experts. That expectation is self-imposed and probably not racing through the minds of passing conversationalists. So do your thang, girl. And be proud of it. I'm certain you're better at it than you give yourself credit for.
♥Jen

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Foodies!

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Dear Jen,
I've recently moved and have officially been homeless for the past few weeks and have practically been eating out for every meal. I've finally signed a lease and now I finally get to cook a real meal!

My question for you is, if you ate out for a month straight, and finally had the opportunity to cook, what would you make?
All the Best, Homecookin' Betty

Dear Betty,
I tend to start feeling a little greasy when I eat out too much. Or don't wash my hair. Which of course I'd never not do. So I think I'd want something really clean/fresh tasting. Salad! 

Okay, no one believes that I want salad. Salad is just something people who don't like food say. Maybe a flaky white fish with a lime sauce. And cheese grits. And raw spinach. And sliced tomatoes (alone, not with the spinach - that's salad, which we have already determined is dumb). And red velvet cake. Also, my new favorite thing is tomato butter. You should probably work that in somewhere in your first days back in the kitchen. 
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
I can't stop eating cheese. Can you help?
Full but need another slice, Cheeserston

Dear Cheeser,
Maybe adding maggots or stuffing it inside the stomach of a goat would help. Like these folks...

♥Jen

Touché Tuesday Advice: Man Dumb

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Ooh Foxy Lady

Dear Jen,
Why are men so dumb? I mean they are pretty nice most of the time, but every once and a while they just do dumb, dumb stuff. I did some dumb stuff. And I'm a guy. I broke up with my ex and that was totally dumb. I know, right? I realize now that she's really awesome. What's the best way to let her know that? (She happens to read this blog, so I'm hoping you answer this personally, and not one of your hundreds of interns or your cat.)
Sincerely, 
Dick Dickerson, Doucher IL

Dear Dick,

I honestly do not know why men are so dumb. Maybe that is what makes them able to kill snakes and remember stupid things like renewing license plate tags. I need snakes killed and tags renewed. Leave the dumb men be, would ya?

If your ex reads this blog, then yes, breaking up with her was totally dumb. She is obviously smart and funny and kind and beautiful and a snappy dresser and well read.* All WhitfieldAwesomeites (not to be confused with sodomites) are. Except Billy. 

Girls tend to be sensitive creatures, even the tough ones. A very simple gesture can go a long way with them. Like daily skywriting or tattooing her name on your forehead. If that's too tame for you, maybe just tell her how awesome she is and that you know you did some dumb stuff and you want to make things right if she'll give you a chance. I know, scary. She may be timid and take some coaxing. She may still remember how the dumb stuff made her feel and she'll want to be reassured that it won't happen again. Give her time. Try enticing her from under the couch with a laser or treats.  

Girls also know nothing about sports - they usually only give two strikes instead of the five allowed in that game with the stick and the ball and the squares that people run to. So try and keep the dumb to a minimum if she allows you to bask in her awesomeness again.

♥Intern #263 The Cat Jen

*I bet Natalie Merchant thinks she's fine, so well-bred. The perfect girl, a social deb. She's the sort that you've always thought could make, could make you what you're not. She's smart, so well-read. There are books, there are novels by her bed. She is the sort that you've always said could satisfy your head. But her frikking voice, her voice better not be reminding you of the promises, the little white lies, too. And NEVER, tell me, while she's touching you, just by mistake, you accidentally say Natalie Merchant's name. Just a guess. 

Any advice for this guy, dear readers?

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Creativity

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Dear Jen, 
I'm in a creative rut. Help!
XOXO, Blah

Dear Blah,
It's too bad you aren't in a literal rut. I could totally get you out of that. Consider giving the following a go:

• Remember in Garden State when No one remembers Garden State, but, Natalie Portman's character has a completely original moment. It's also completely awkward. But perhaps if you have one, you'll feel creatively charged. 
• Follow Austin Kleon's advice and Steal Like an Artist (book) or Steal Like a Writer (video). (Triva: I read his book, Newspaper Blackout, in an actual blackout. Whoa.)
• Rediscover childhood creativity - color, play with Play-Doh, build something with legos...
• Try something different from what you normally do creatively. For example, if you are a knitter, try an activity not made for grandmothers painting*. 

*Just kidding. I wish I knew how to knit. 

♥Jen

I challenge everyone to have a completely original moment. Feel free to be weird all up in the internet and post a link to your completely original moment video!

Here's how Natalie Portman and Zach Braff did it:


Here's  how I did it. 


Your turn. Come on. What are you? Shy? Don't you want to be remembered as the one gal/guy who ever did this?

Touché Tuesday Advice Columns: Pranks

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Dear Jen,
I would like to play a prank on my mother-in-law. She's really not a nice person. Any suggestions? She also lives in another town than we do, so it will need to be something I can accomplish long distance.
Sincerely, Cheerful

Dear Cheerful,

Most pranks I have been involved in where geographically convenient...forking, post-it-ing, hide-and-scare or old school tech convenient (like when caller ID didn't exist). Long-distance pranking is pretty advanced. If you are truly ready for this level of commitment, consider the following:

• Once a month, ship a large box of pork rinds with a note from the pork rind of the month club. 
• Schedule a phone call with a special message from wakerupper.com.
• Playboy gift subscription.
• Tell her that you are pregnant.
• Post her possessions on craigslist.

Sorry, I was gonna keep going but I'm too distracted by how great a pork rind of the month club would be.
♥Jen

My dear readers, tell me about pranks you've pulled.

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Love & The Junior League

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Dear Jen,
It's me, Billy, again. It's been a long time since I asked you for advice about dating my cousin. Now that you have had some time to think about it, have you changed your mind at all?
Love, Billy

Dear Billy,
Stop. Seriously. Our kids would have extra arms. No.
See you at Grannies, ♥Jen

Dear Jen,
I recently moved to a new town and joined the Junior League in an effort to make new friends. My first meeting is next week. I'm excited but a little scared. Do you have any tips on fitting in?
All the best, New In Town

Dear NIT,
Boy did you come to the right advice column! I have Junior League* written all over me.

1. Always wear pearls. Even in the shower (bathe in water that hasn't dripped off pearls, pfft).
2. Lean against walls and smoke cigarettes. You will look cool and carefree. Plus the wall will help hold you up since all you eat now is nicotine. 
3. If you have a job, quit. You're going to need to spend a lot of time gathering intel on other League members (intel is a fancy word for gossip).
4. If you have children, and you should, they are always someone else's problem.
5. Learn all the rules to games that old people play, like Bridge. But not Mahjong. 
6. Never eat pie made of feces.
7. Don't forget you're lacy gloves when you go out in public. This way folks won't mistake you for someone who does work.

*Everything I think I know about the Junior League may be derived from "The Help". 

Hope you're ready to be popular!
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
My husband wants to throw out/donate his Aaron, Kacey & Jen's Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire shirt. Granted, we are currently purging and packing for an unexpected move within 1.5 weeks of notification, and we have limited space for storage and things to bring with us. I feel like this shirt is sacred, and shouldn't be shared with anyone asides the Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire (BBBSATE for short), so I don't want it donated. But I can't even FATHOM the thought of throwing it out.

Is this grounds for divorce? How can I make my husband compromise with me so I don't have to leave him for good?

Please help me Jen, you're my only hope!
Kacey (BBBSATE Team Member)

Dear Kacey,

It's an age-old tale..."I thought I knew him. Then we married and he became someone who does not fully appreciate an Aaron, Kacey & Jen's Boozy Bacon Barnacle Scavenger Adventure Team Extraordinaire shirt." I blame society. There is just no sanctity in marriage any more. But I have been led to believe that men are good to have around for some things, like killing snakes and remembering to replace batteries in smoke detectors (note to self: it's been 8 years). Plus divorce is expensive and time consuming and it's almost time for the fall TV lineup. So, in effort to save your home from fire, snakes, and an overly full DVR, I suggest wrapping something fragile in the shirt. Like your husband's favorite beer stein. Then the shirt is packing material. It's useful. It's resourceful. It's still in your ownership. 

If this doesn't work, grab the shirt, smash the beer stein, use a shard to cut him and run. You can come back to Florida. We'll dye your hair in the sink at a shady motel. 

♥Jen

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: Cat Lady

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Dear Jen, My vet recommended giving my cat regular baths for medical reasons. My usually sweet and cuddly fur baby turns into a ball of claws and teeth every time. Do you have any tips for making bath time easier on both of us? My bleeding arms thank you!
xoxo, Shredded, Milton

Dear Shredded,
I think your vet hates you. Did you go to high school together? Maybe bat your eyes at her boyfriend? 

Have you considered Xanax? How about oven mitts? Bubble wrap? Double-sided tape? A dog?

I'm assuming the medical reasons have to do with a skin condition if baths were suggested. If this is the case, perhaps you can try a cat lotion. DERMagic makes one that relieves skin allergies, dry skin, etc.

Is it actual submersion in water you're seeking or does kitty just need a little help cleaning? If it's the latter, try cat wipes. I use them once in a while with Pip. No, she doesn't run to me with the package of wipes in her mouth begging for a rub down but she doesn't hate them either. I've also seen dry/waterless shampoos for cats. Or maybe a sponge bath will do.

If you must give the cat a bath, play with kitty for a while to tire him/her out a bit and make sure kitty's nails are trimmed. Put a rubber mat in the tub for kitty to claw when stressed and run the water before bringing the cat into the room. Pre-fill a few small buckets for rinsing. You may still want to wear welder's gloves.

I have to tell you that I don't trust vets after an experience I call "Pippi's $1,000 Fart". I don't know what your relationship with your vet is, but I would do a lot of research on the medical condition your cat may have and whether regular baths are proven to help. I might even call other vets and ask their opinion.

♥ Jen

The music is pretty annoying but some of the cats are entertaining:


Pssst. Don't forget that I'm trying to give you things this month. Major people are entering. You want to be major, right?

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Flirting

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Dear Jen,
I am a guy in my late thirties just getting back in the dating game. I'm nervous about approaching women. Can you suggest a few pick-up lines that might work on women over 30?
Sincerely, That Guy

Dear Guy,
I sure can! I'm a woman over 30 getting back into the dating game (staying home and looking at cats on the internet counts as being in the game, right?). Try these lines:

1. Now lemme take ya out, buy ya new appliances.
2. Don't you just love Wes Anderson films?
3. I have zero ex-wives, zero children and I very much enjoy cooking and doing laundry. 
4. Hey girl. I'm willing to work out like Tom Hardy and carry you around in a papoose.
5. I love your blog.
6. I wish I could catch up on Real Housewives but I'm always so busy sweating in the yard in my worn out jeans and cowboy hat.
7. Oprah. Am I right? (You'll quickly know if you should go love or hate on this.)

♥ Jen 

P.S. Please, please, please don't listen to Mystery, The Pickup Artist. When a grown woman sees a grown man wearing a feather boa, she immediately thinks, "oh snap, that dude escaped from [insert mental institution here]; don't make eye contact". 

Touché Tuesday Advice Column: On Rituals

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Dear Jen, I've been reading up on "lifestyle rituals" and think maybe I need to add some to my life to help keep myself on track. Do you follow any rituals?
All the best, Curious

Dear Curious,
The term "lifestyle rituals" makes me feel weird inside, but let's do this. A few of my rituals that you should definitely adopt probably not adopt for yourself:

• Starting my day rituals:
• After waking up and before getting out of bed, I grab my cell phone off the nightstand and check my email. This is a terrible lifestyle ritual. Don't do it. 
• Next I open Google Reader and check all the new posts of my favorite bloggers. I do this until I can't not urinate. 
• I finally get out of bed, urinate, brush my teeth and turn on the shower. My cat and I have lived together for 9-ish years. So she has watched me take roughly 3,285 showers. She still freaks out. Every. Time.
• After exiting the shower, I sit on my bed and hold the freaked out cat for a few minutes before getting dressed. (I wear a towel - I don't sit around in the buff holding my cat because that would make it weird). 
• Driving rituals: I text, read more posts from my favorite bloggers, check instagram, take photos, put on my makeup, sometimes change my clothes, follow all traffic rules, yell at other drivers and sing really poorly well. These probably don't really count as rituals.
• Work rituals: I spend a lot of time thinking about how great it would be to not have to work and sometimes I do some things. I'm so productive that I don't have time for rituals at work.
• Evening rituals: My evenings are always different depending on what projects I'm working on, how late I stay at work, whether or not my fave shows are new, who is playing live music, etc. They often involve chicken. Wednesdays are different - I go to a Bible study group. We eat a lot of bacon. Again, not rituals. 
• Ending my day rituals: 
• I ask the cat, "ready for nights?" and we both head to the bedroom. Unless I stay up really late, then she goes to the bedroom before me. I still ask "ready for nights" though. 
• I always consider not brushing my teeth before bed. Always. I don't know why and I fully realize it's gross and odd and I always brush my teeth anyway. Always (mostly because dentures give me the wiggins). 
• I always think about removing my makeup and applying a night-time moisturizer before I bed. I never do either of these things.
• Rarely, because I'm dumb, Sometimes I remember to take my pill that helps me breathe because I'm too lame to just do that completely natural thing that keeps us alive. Mostly Other times I wake up a lot needing my inhaler. 
• Weekend rituals: 
• I don't sleep late but I always stay in bed for a really long time on Saturday mornings.
• Sunday is church day. I go to there.
• I visit my parents and siblings. I live very close to my parents and siblings so this is no bigs, just the way it usually turns out. 

I feel like this answer went downhill really fast and now I owe you a present or something. But you made me tell the internet about the rather odd relationship I have with my cat. So we're even.

♥Jen

Do you, readers, have any rituals?

Pssst. Don't forget that I'm trying to give you things this month. Major people are entering. You want to be major, right?