Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Touché Tuesday Advice: Man Dumb

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Ooh Foxy Lady

Dear Jen,
Why are men so dumb? I mean they are pretty nice most of the time, but every once and a while they just do dumb, dumb stuff. I did some dumb stuff. And I'm a guy. I broke up with my ex and that was totally dumb. I know, right? I realize now that she's really awesome. What's the best way to let her know that? (She happens to read this blog, so I'm hoping you answer this personally, and not one of your hundreds of interns or your cat.)
Dick Dickerson, Doucher IL

Dear Dick,
I honestly do not know why men are so dumb. Maybe that is what makes them able to kill snakes and remember stupid things like renewing license plate tags. I need snakes killed and tags renewed. Leave the dumb men be, would ya?

If your ex reads this blog, then yes, breaking up with her was totally dumb. She is obviously smart and funny and kind and beautiful and a snappy dresser and well read.* All WhitfieldAwesomeites (not to be confused with sodomites) are. Except Billy. 

Girls tend to be sensitive creatures, even the tough ones. A very simple gesture can go a long way with them. Like daily skywriting or tattooing her name on your forehead. If that's too tame for you, maybe just tell her how awesome she is and that you know you did some dumb stuff and you want to make things right if she'll give you a chance. I know, scary. She may be timid and take some coaxing. She may still remember how the dumb stuff made her feel and she'll want to be reassured that it won't happen again. Give her time. Try enticing her from under the couch with a laser or treats.  

Girls also know nothing about sports - they usually only give two strikes instead of the five allowed in that game with the stick and the ball and the squares that people run to. So try and keep the dumb to a minimum if she allows you to bask in her awesomeness again.

Intern #263 The Cat Jen

*I bet Natalie Merchant thinks she's fine, so well-bred. The perfect girl, a social deb. She's the sort that you've always thought could make, could make you what you're not. She's smart, so well-read. There are books, there are novels by her bed. She is the sort that you've always said could satisfy your head. But her frikking voice, her voice better not be reminding you of the promises, the little white lies, too. And NEVER, tell me, while she's touching you, just by mistake, you accidentally say Natalie Merchant's name. Just a guess. 

Any advice for this guy, dear readers?


  1. Wow, it sounds like this guy really wants to get back with his ex-lady friend. I got a 100% impression he wants to get back with her. My question is...why is he wasting time on the intermanets when he should be groveling at his ex-lady's feet, massaging them, feeding her chocolate covered everything and cheeseburgers.
    Maybe this guy needs to figure out where his priorities are.

    Also, I get the feeling he has low self esteem. Look at the way he signed off. "Dick Dickerson from Doucher, IL". It is possible that that is his real name and location, but if that is the case...Lady friend needs to move on, cause that name fucking sucks. (Call me bitchy, but honestly, if you ever met someone named D.D. from Doucher, you'd be thinking the same thing).

    Anyway, he should be groveling and making up for his mistakes...but being over the top negative about yourself isn't a turn on for anyone. There is a fine line between confident and cocky...but this isn't anywhere near there.

    So Mr. Douchey McDoucherson, or whatever you're calling yourselves these days...Get your act together and maybe, just MAYBE you'll have a shot to get back what could be one of the biggest mistakes of your adult life.

    ~Bitch Face Magoo aka Truth Giva' Soul Killah

    P.S. If you still live with your mom...fix that, quickly.

  2. I really love Bitch Face Magoo aka Truth Giva' Soul Killah. That PS was great!

  3. i kind of like how he referred to himself as 'dick.' at least he sees that.

    sooo....i looked and saw that you live in milton. that's where my aunt and uncle moved to in may, and we actually visited them there while we were in gulf shores.

    1. I liked that too. Until some other stuff happened that Soul Killah up there knows about. Blergy mcblergblerg.

      And small world! Nobody visits Milton.