The concentration camp formerly known as my stomach.

On this week's episode of Jen Does Dumb Things So You Don't Have To - The 3-Day Military Diet.

Have you heard about the 3-Day Military Diet? Apparently it's been going in and out of style since the eighties. Lately I have gotten way off track on my low carb diet. I was hoping 3DMD would help jump-start me. I followed the diet exactly. I even ate the grapefruit, which I find to be one of God's most vile creations. I can't not make faces while I eat it. And I feel like I'm going to cry the entire time. It took me a full hour to eat half of a stupid grapefruit. On the plus side, the rest of the diet sounded really easy after that. 

While we're talking gross, let's talk cottage cheese. Almost EVERY time I am eating cottage cheese and get about half way through, I sort of panic. I think "this cottage cheese is old. It's old and I'm probably going to die after eating it." But I usually don't die (never say never). The only way I enjoy cottage cheese is with tomatoes. There are no tomatoes on the military diet. 0 tomatoes + 0.5 grapefruit = not right.

Also, there aren't many feelings lower than counting out five saltines to go with your boiled egg and cup of cottage cheese for lunch. But don't worry, I redeemed myself Saturday at a church lady progressive dinner. Bean dip, creamy grape salad, shrimp and cheese grits and fudge. And cheesecake. And whipped cream that was supposed to go on something but I just put it on my tongue.

Guess how much weight I lost!!! 0.00 pounds. The diet was really easy to follow. I didn't feel hungry much between meals and I might just start eating meals like those SOME of the time. But I obviously won't be doing the diet again given it's lack of results.

What dumb things have you done lately? Make me feel better about my poor decisions. Please.

Discipline. The only thing grapefruit is good for:

I have to laugh or someone* is going to lose an eye

This is a continuation of Dude, Where's My Ex-Boyfriend? Also, devil book. Read it first.

Oh. Y'all. When I said I'd keep you posted on how I manage to embarrass myself and whether or not I follow the advice of the mysterious fortune, I had no idea to what extent I would embarrass myself. Seriously, my life should be a television show. These things don't happen to real people. Am I Truman? Is this all a set-up? Cause I'd rather have the manicured lawn version.

Also, I didn't follow the fortune. Way too sensitive. And dumb. So, so dumb. I mean, I'm still awesome. But very dumb. 

I expected to fall down or lose an article of clothing as these are the sorts of things that usually happen to me. I guess if I'm honest, these things aren't really embarrassing any more. I didn't expect to be so dumb though. I'll spare you the gory details. Just know that there is apparently more than one way to interpret the statement "I want to be a couple again soon." And I did it wrong. 

To help keep you fine readers from making the same mistake and crying at your desk AGAIN like the big weepy freak that you are, here are a few tips on using the statement "I want to be a couple again soon" correctly:

1. If you are the one making this statement to your former flame and you mean that you want to be a couple again soon with someone else, not your former flame, don't use the word "again", it's misleading   don't pair it with "I miss you" or "I am a stupid idiot" - it's misleading  STOP and never ever say this to your former flame for any reason.
2. If you are the one hearing the statement from your former flame, stop listening.  
3. If you do want to be a couple again soon with your former flame, not someone else, go ahead. Say it. Just like that. Cause "I want to be a couple again soon" freaking means that you want to be a couple again soon. 

Pictured: The North Floridian Dodo.

*Don't worry, by "someone" I totally mean someone else, not you.