Monday, October 8, 2012

Immunize me for everything a dirty crackhead might have. Please.

Today's story is brought to you by crack rock, the letter X and Target!

I hightailed it to Target during lunch today as I HAD to have lip butter, deodorant, 9V batteries and salmon dip. You know, the usge. 

While waiting in line to check out, the woman in front of me, whom I'm fairly certain was a crackhead, dropped a wad of cash. And didn't notice. I waited. And prayed. Please God, let her see that she dropped her wad of cash. I don't want to touch it. Pppplllleeeaasseee don't make me touch it. I imagine it to be like a bird's nest. A bird's nest of hair, asphalt, Cheetos, crack cocaine and dollar dollar bills, y'all. 

Of course she (let's call her CC) didn't notice. Her daughter, with her mouth wired shut and shorts smaller than my tiniest underwear, returned from the snack bar to report that the snack steward did not have a blender and therefore could not blend any of the snacks into a drinkable delight leaving her with nothing but a stupid slushy. They both danced and twitched that crazy crackhead shuffle around the wad of cash without noticing it. 

After it had become obvious that they were never going to see it, I finally picked up the wad <sticky; don't barf> and tried to return it to CC. "I think you dropped this" ... "is this yours" ... "ma'am" ... "excuse me" ... "I believe this MONEY belongs to you" ... "ma'am" ... "look, dollars!" ... "hey" ... "money, money, money" ... "LADY take this friggin' money from me NOW!" 

She finally looked over and grabbed at the money, fully molesting my hand in the process. Then glared at me like I had picked her pocket. After a few minutes she did turn and say thank you between detox shivers. Then coughed all over everything in sight. 

Later I got a stiff neck and a terrible headache. The only explanation is that I caught crackhead. One of the perks (?) of working at a hospital is that they want to immunize the bull crap out of you. No shot record, no problem...we'll give you one of each. Two if you are a good girl! 

Wanna Hep B Booster? Sure! Tetanus? It's the bestanus! 

Flu Shot? Of course. In fact, everyone who gets a flu shot gets a green dot on their employee badge. Please shame everyone you see without a green dot. We suggest yo momma jokes!

So I'm thinking I'll head over to BigShotz tomorrow and ask for a double. That's the nurse's station in HR. Also, it may not be called that. 

Tell me about the last time you touched a crackhead! I can't afford a therapist and I want to believe that this is normal.


  1. Gaaaaaaaajahahahahahhhahaha oh my oh my!!!!!! Freaking hilarious! I cannot comfort you in saying I have touched a crackhead, but I can say I do have to be in close proximity with hundreds of high schoolers every day at work and, as a germaphobe, our sentiments may be similar... Haha.

    1. Ew. High schoolers. I'll stick with the crackheads.

  2. gyahhhhh gross! i try to avoid touching money in general, and that just... ugh!

  3. THANKYOU! I was trying to use the USGE in a blog post the other day and I could't figure out the spelling. And eww. But, I LOLed throughout this whole post. xo

    1. No problem. :) Pretty good for a girl who once had am almost mental break-down because she couldn't remember how to spell "of".