For a while I figured he chewed his legs off and bled out next to the highway. But it has become clear that he met up with Train and inspired the lyric "got run over by a crappy purple Scion". He did this partly because I drive a crappy purple Scion and ran over him. But mostly because he knows how much I hate Train. Squirrels are jerks and Train is awful. They almost got me with that Hey Soul Sister song. Then I remembered that I don't smoke weed.
It's possible that this haunts me. Also, I just noticed how much squirrels look like hot dogs. Anything you need to confess?
One time I ran over a chipmunk with my bike. Which I'm sure was still quite painful as I was going pretty fast and weigh a lot compared to a little chipmunk. I felt really bad about it because chipmunks are nice (unlike squirrels).
ReplyDeleteI probably would have died. Right there. On my bike.
Delete1) Not sure if you are confessing to running over a squirrels back legs or comparing a squirrel to a hot dog. Maybe both?
ReplyDelete2) Apparently I'm a jerk, because my initial reaction to this story was to laugh, picturing a squirrel dragging itself away from you without any back legs. Then I felt a little bad. Just a little. Then I realized how talented you are for navigating your car over such a small area.
3) Finally, my confession. It doesn't have to do with plowing down small innocent creatures with vehicles (although I do have plenty of those stories). Sometimes, if I've been out doing something all day and I'm starving, I'll go through a drive thru on my way home. Times like these I will not order 1, but 2 sandwiches...and either a milkshake or tator tots. I pay cash so there is no trail. I will then inhale them all on the way home. I throw out all evidence of my consumptions before I ender my abode. When my husband asks if I ate dinner while I was out, I say no. While laying in bed, I feel really guilty about the whole ordeal and I cry about being fat and tell him what I've done.
It's quite pathetic actually, and it's happened more than once.
Thanks for listening.
1. Confessing to running over a squirrel's back legs. The comparison to a hot dog came upon while typing.
Delete2. It's okay. You aren't the only one.
3. Bless you my child. Say three forward passes and all will be well. (I'm a tater tot binger too! Also, I've bought two drinks before to make the cashier think I'm taking food home.)
Good idea, here's my confession: I am a lazy person. Sometimes I would rather sit around doing nothing than being productive or even doing something fun, simply because I don't want to put in the effort. I always feel guilty that this is what I'd rather be doing because I think it isn't the right thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY what you mean. Listen to your sister down there. She's right.
DeleteOh sister sister! You should just come visit me. Cause I KNOW that is the right thing to do. You know it too!
ReplyDeleteOh no, poor squirrel! Yes, I'm a girl who reacts like that, even if this is a make-believe hotdog squirrel inspiring Train music. Okay, confession time. I liked Drops of Jupiter. Yes, now you can run me over like that squirrel ;-)
ReplyDeleteSadly, the squirrel is not make-believe. I really did run over his back legs. And he really did drag himself away with his front legs. I may have made up everything after that though.
Delete