Wednesday, August 8, 2012

How Not to Tan (Alt title: Nekked Church Chat)

(Alternate Alternate Title: A Special Summertime Embarrassing Moment)

Take a look at a white person. If you are white, this will be really easy. Now, look at a part of that white person that the sun doesn't touch. You may want to use the solar eclipse pinhole method so you don't burn your retina. This is the color of my entire body. Plus freckles. 

Folks [who don't know me in "real life"] often assume that I am tan because I live in Florida. These folks are very wrong. My super fair skin was the target of choice for many a mean girl in school. For a long time, it really bothered me. I wore pants. In Florida. During the summer. 

In late teenhood, I got hip to self-tanner. My top 3 issues back then: (1) it stank; (2) it washed off while swimming; (3) no two parts of my body ever matched. Self-tanner has improved a bit over the years. My issue now: it still washes off while swimming. Come on tan scientists. Make it work.

Anywho. Somewhat recently, I was to be a bridesmaid. Always the bridesmaid, never a book contract. The bride had a spray tanning party which I refused to take part in. Until I saw everyone else looking gorgeous and bronze. The party was an in-home, get naked in a tent sort of thing. There were two sprayers - one male and one female. The other bridesmaids did not want to get naked in front of the male sprayer. I figured he was like a gyno - you see enough whosy-whatsits, they stop phasing you. So the bride and I were sprayed (separately) by Mr. Tan. 

As I was standing in all my glory, Mr. Tan said, "Spread your legs a little wider. Oh, by-the-way, you go to church with my brother." Boom. Boom. Pow. He then proceeded to ask questions about church. I had on pasties, y'all. Jesus chat + exposed lady bits = no. Sorry.

To top it all off, the tan started to peel in odd patterns before the wedding. I had to use Sally Hensen spray hose. All over. I may have looked like parts of me were made of plastic. Plastic that was melting on my dress. 

Your turn. Tell us about the weirdest position you've ever been in when questioned by a stranger.


  1. hahaha....this is awesome!

    i too have transparent skin and a hoard of freckles. i've just given up, because if i ever do attempt to tan, i end up with a million more. and i agree about self tanner smelling bad. i've always thought that it smelled like a bag of moldy potatoes.

  2. LOL

    I don't know... I can't think of any stranger chats... Though last week I was at Costco with Anthony and he realized he forgot the butt wipes (you know, the flushable wipes for adults?) and so he sent me to go get them in the back of the store because he's lazy.
    I find the wipes and am carrying them back when I run into someone I used to be friends with but stopped talking to (for no real reason) and unfriended on Facebook (since I wasn't talking to him) and then had to have a really awkward conversation about how I unfriended him on Facebook "accidentally" while holding a massive case of ass wipes.

  3. Ohh, that sounds awkward. Also, spray tan seems like a whole lot of trouble for a whole lot of nothing? Being ginger and all, I have come to embrace my natural blinding-ness. Right now that seems like the right choice. :)

    Awkward position I've been questioned in. Hmm. Shouldn't be too hard. I thin I was once asked about my shoe size while going down on a guy, does that count?