Monday, July 16, 2012

Crotch Shots Are So Last Year (or whatever year that was)

Waaaay back in 2007, ya know - the year Britney Spears came back, I coordinated a conference* that brought 120 top guns from [academic] economic development organizations to my town. And then I showed them my boobs. 

It was the last day of the conference and we were experienceing red tide and tropical storm force winds. These are the trade-offs for living in paradise. I happened to be wearing a new shirt I had bought specifically for that day. It was dressy (shiny) and comfortable (cause I knew I'd be doing a lot of tear-down and pack-up). It also had buttons. Alllll the way down the front. Which is a totally normal thing for a shirt to have. Many, many shirts work this way. I was carting a ton of crap really important stuff to my car when the tropical storm force winds whipped up in just such a fashion to completely unbutton my shirt and flap it around like I was daggum Demi Moore. Two of my coworkers were with me. Countless other colleagues were inside the banquet room next to me. The one made of windows? Yep. That one. 

Just before the incident. Apparently we were all about poor lighting in 2007.

I tell you this so that you will understand why I had not worn a button-down shirt since 2007. Until last Thursday. I found a pretty and professional stripey button-down on clearance for less than $6. I told myself to get over the button incident. It had been five years. Surely button technology had come a long way. I bought the shirt and wore it to meet a VP of an organization I'm interviewing with. And I actually looked like an adult. I think. I usually feel like a child playing dress-up when I bump the business casual up a notch. Anyway, all the buttons flew off during the meeting and I showed the VP my boobs too!

Just kidding. I didn't flash anything but my winning smile during the meeting (and by winning I mean the one where you can tell that I'm wondering if this smile makes my double chin look fat). I thought things had really turned around for me in the button realm. The meeting couldn't have gone any better. I was feeling pretty fly. I stopped in Walmart on my way back to work. Just a quick run for ink and linen paper. I was checking out some sweet binder clips (that totally match my resume and work samples packet, what up) when I noticed that I felt awfully cool in the chest area. 

I shifted the ink and paper into one hand and touched my shirt with the other. Uh-oh. I felt that one of my buttons was undone. I looked down and cried out to my savior. My entire shirt was unbuttoned. In WalMart. I was all bra and bare skin with stripey curtains partying at the sides like it was 2007. I threw my items delicately placed my goods on the nearest shelf and buttoned up as quickly as possible. In case you aren't aware, trying to button fast is the best way to ensure that your buttons will not want to go through their stupid holes. 

And now I wait. Watching peopleofwalmart.com like a hawk.

*This conference was held in Memphis the year prior. Where I fell down the stairs.

10 comments:

  1. You are not alone. I never wear button downs without a cami underneath.
    I was holding my 3 year old nephew while his Mama did something in a public place. I was talking to her and not focused on the fact that home skillet was undressing me for the world to see.

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    1. I think I've finally learned the cami lesson!

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  2. Ouches. Don't worry, one time I bent over while wearing a maxi skirt, stepped on said skirt, stood up and skirt did not come up with me. While I was working and in front of people. With pantyhose on. Pantyhose butt, with granny panties.

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    1. Ahhh, pantyhose butt! Why do pantyhose still exist?

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  3. You kill me! Years ago I managed the shoe department at one of the better department stores. So when it was my turn to watch the floor and we weren't busy we would just stand and chat waiting for the next customer. I noticed every time I stood next to certain male associates they would always walk around and move to stand on my left. After months I finally realized that they were looking into the sides of my button down shirt. Awesome. I mean my boobs are big. Fact. It was difficult for me to find button down tops. Fact. Sometimes shirts didn't always close properly. By that I mean that the there were gaps or opening between the buttons... the damn perverts would look in my shirt!

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    1. I feel your pain. Prior to 2007, when I would wear the occasional button-down shirt, I too fell victim to the button gap. Friggin boobs.

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  4. You seriously make me laugh! I have had junk like that happen too. Once I went to a store with my cousin and I was printing off a registry while she went to the bathroom. When she walked out I fell right in sync with her and we shopped until our hearts were content and our wallets were empty. We stayed for quite a while. It wasn't until we were in the parking lot on our way out that I noticed her sundress was tucked inside her panties in the back.

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    1. Oh no - the whole shopping trip! Unfortunately, I can relate.

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  5. You win MOST GRACEFUL HUMAN award!!!! Send 1,000 USD to claim your prize!

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    1. Check is in the mail! I'll work on my speech.

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