Touché Tuesday Advice Column

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Glare = Love

Dear Jen, 
It's almost Valentine's Day and I am single. AGAIN. I'm thinking of getting myself flowers. Do you have any single lady flower suggestions?
Bachelorette Suzy

Dear Suzy,
I am assuming you have a cat because all single ladies do. Please consider the following flowers that are not toxic to cats*: snapdragons, the rosa species of roses, sunflowers, gerber daises and zinnias. Sunflowers and gergers are some of my personal faves. Check out these gorge pink gerbers in my insta-stream.

*I am not a vet but I do know how to use Google.
♥Jen

Dear Jen,
My boyfriend brings up his ex-girlfriend in conversation all the time. Do you think I should be concerned about this?
Confused, Tonya

Dear Tonya,
Are you dating one of my exes cause I'm pretty sure this package is hard to get over. It requires extra shipping. Bubble wrap and packing peanuts. Spring for the tracking number. I don't know where I was going with this metaphor. Also, yes. Does he just generally speak of her? Does he compare you two? Either way, I think it's time to have a talk with your man. Tell him how you feel. If he can't respect that, refer to the above question and answer.
♥ Jen

I bring the party, if by party you mean DJ Paris in a tub...

Earlier tonight I posted this prediction of how my evening would go in response to a friend's declaration that I should be jealous of her as she was on a sister-date with my sister:

"Yeah, well, while you are on a not-my-actual-sister sister-date with my actual sister, I'm reading comic books at home alone and later I might talk to my ex about diets for an hour like I did last night and then I might look at all my other ex's new babies on Facebook and then maybe have a solo dance party because that's the closest I can get to exercise without having a Paul Rudd circa 'Wet Hot American Summer' fit. If anyone is gonna be jelly tonight, it ain't gonna be me. Unless of course you start talking about literal jelly cause that's probably what I'm going to eat for supper.* So there."

Boy was I wrong. My evening took a turn for the weirder when I made this:

Click it. Click it good. (It gets bigger! That's what he said.)

Why? Because Deej vlogged the cover art and title for his upcoming book. Originally, he planned for an illustration of himself blogging from a tub and the title "From the Tub". The artist he coordinated with ended up doing an illustration of Deej in a rose instead, with the title "Look it's D.J. Bathing in a Rose". Because...um...I don't know why. I don't get it at all. Watch it. If you get it, splain it to me.

We all know I'm kind of a douche so I set out to make my own version. (Please don't hate me rose lady - you're artwork is nice. It should be a poster. I live in Oregon and drive a Hummerzine if you want to slash my tires.) Anyway. Read his blog. Buy his book when it comes out. For now, validate my artwork. 

*Don't be sad for me. I didn't eat jelly for supper. I shotgunned dark chocolate chips straight from the bag. Apparently I dropped a couple as my leg looked like it had been smeared in poo when I stood. Yeah I was pants-less. So what?

Seacrest out. Actually Seacrest in. Sounds like he's gonna marry that hot chick from DWTS. Who knew?

For Your Listening Pleasure...

Inspired by lovelies Bri Emery and Katie Evans of Design Love Fest, I put together a Spotify playlist of songs, Workin Girl (Not that Kind), that I listen to whilst being creative. Put it in your ears. It's good. A sort of an ampy yet mellow (what?) mash-up of things that don't necessarily go together. Basically me, in music form.

I like, nay, NEED, background noise while I'm doing pretty much everything. Sometimes it's music. Sometimes it's television. Do you listen while you work? Share your playlist...

Nothing in Particular (Cept the Zombie Methocalypse, Girl)

You know how one or two things in life that you aren't particularly happy with can sometimes overshadow everything else? I'm in that place right now. That not particularly happy place. Which isn't particularly intelligent considering that I do have some particularly good things going. I can be particularly stupid sometimes. 

That ^^ is why I've been sporadic with the ole blog lately. Lame. I know. I have all these things I want to be writing about and illustrating and reading and creating. Instead, I have been watching a lot of television on DVD. The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Girls. None of these shows are particularly happy either. Maybe that's part of my problem. Maybe I need to lighten up. Maybe I just need to put my big girl panties on. Maybe I have seasonal affective disorder. Yes. That has to be it. Because nothing is ever just my fault. 

Who's with me on this mashup*? Would Hannah not have the ugliest, most ill-fitting gas mask ever?!?

*BDG Spoiler alert! In season one, Walter will kill absolutely everyone except Jesse, Daryl, Glenn and Maggie, just before a zombie eats him. Glenn and Maggie will busy themselves repopulating the earth with gorgeous little half-asian/half-white children while Jesse and Daryl cook a special meth that kills zombies until I wander in, playing myself, and we end up in a crazy love triangle. At some point Shoshanna walks out of the woods, having survived Walter's murder attempt with an eyes, feet, groin! maneuver and promptly gotten lost. I will consider killing her but ultimately decide to take her under my wing because I feel like she might actually be pretty cool if I teach her to be less annoying. 

Pretty Much The Best Compliment Ever

I had my annual lady parts swabbin' this week. Whilst checking my top half, my doctor said "your breasts are nice and easy to examine". To which I replied, "take a picture, it'll last longer". I remain pretty confident in the notion that my humor is lost on some people. 

My insurance company covers this annual women's wellness check and I aim to get their money's worth! I shall now use "you are nice and easy to examine" to pick up men. How many dates am I gonna have?!? So many.

Not my doctor.

Best of 2012

I’m pretty sure that if I don’t do a best of post, my blogger card will be revoked. This would normally make me feel both vain and lame, however, I just took a magic Indian diseased blanket dust bath (review coming soon) and it sucked all those toxic feelings right out of me. So. Without much ado about nothing…

Most Awesome Illustration of a Crab

Most Viewed
ThingsI’m Afraid To Tell You
Inspired by this post by Jess at Makeunder My Life, Ez at Creature Comforts challenged the blogging community: write a Things I'm Afraid To Tell You post. So I did.

Most Comments
Oh snap! 1/2 Blogiversary Giveaway

I know why this post has the most comments. I'm going to pretend it's because you like me anyway. 

The One With the Most Eggs
The Worst Egg Hunt Ever...
Zooey Deschanel convinces me that I will never have babies. And looks like a woodland creature. Obvy.

Open Letter Most Likely to Receive a Response From the More-Famous-Than-Me Blogger It Was Directed To (And it did!)
Open Letter to DJ Paris in Which I Quote Too Many Rap Lyrics
Pretty much the worst internet feud since that one between Kim Kardashian and everyone who isn't Kim Kardashian. Deej, once he realized that we should be b.f.f.s, agreed somewhere in his comments section to feud. Then I lost interest, as I am wont to do when things take effort and don't include food. (P.S. Spell check thinks you want to say "guardianship" when you type "Kardashian". Those are words no one gets confused, spell check.)

Most Likely to Embarrass My Sister
Dating a beef steak, ah yeah!

I dated a steak. I did it for all the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me. Sort of. Mostly I did it because I needed a stupid good prompt and I like proving myself right.

Most Amazing Photography
My two dads, Nathan Lane and Elijah Wood.
I discovered that I am the love child of Elijah Wood and Nathan Lane. The family photos are beautiful. 

Most Unlikely to Succeed As Well As It Did
Inspirational Words from Coworker X

Mini-posters of actual words spoken to me by my former co-workers. Actually one of my top viewed posts. Please feel free to print these babies and hang them in your work/living space for inspiration. Inspiration is supposed to be pretty similar to the rage virus, right?

Most Wrongester For This Blog
Thrift Score! or The wardrobe section of a homeless man's backpack.
This was an early Whitfield Awesome post. I was still confused about what the blog should be. I thought I wanted to do a DIY and fashion-y sort of thing but, even though I love those things, writing about them didn't come naturally. This post isn't very funny or very interesting. I didn't erase the early [bad] posts as they are an honest part of the growth process of a blog.

Christmas Tradish...

In case you were wondering - yes, my entire family is awesome. 

My family has a few Christmas traditions. Some of them new. Some of them old. Among them, the family photo. How do you get your family to make themselves up like zombies for Christmas? You spend many years wearing them down with odd requests. Eventually they give up and just say okay to pretty much all of your ridiculous crap brilliant ideas. 

We also open two presents on Christmas Eve - an ornament and pajamas. Then we don said pajamas and listen to Dad read of Jesus' Birth from the Bible. For some strange reason, the phrase "sore afraid" gets us giggly every year.  And, perhaps the most obvious of traditions, I watch E.T. on Christmas Eve. 

I hope you had a Christmas as Merry as mine. What sort of Christmas traditions do you have?